Dave Martin

***I DON’T HAVE UEFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK OR EVEN THINK ABOUT ANY NAMES, IMAGES OR VIDEOS PUBLISHED IN MY EURO 2020 REVIEW, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS, FROM HERE ON IN, THE TOURNAMENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS EURLO 2020***

After being suspended following the outbreak of “The Disease”, Euro 2020 (which for copyright reasons will from here on in be referred to as Eurlo 2020) if finally here! So let’s take a look at the full fixture list, that is, of course once you email me your monthly payment of US$329. This is one-time payment and is free; it’s free for the rest of each month once you pay.  

Who will win it? Who will lose it? Who will draw it? Let all your concerns be allayed as we show you words and dates signifying when a team plays sport against another team.

Opening Day – Friday 11 June
Group A: Semi-finalist Red Team 🇹🇳  0 – 3 🇮🇹  Blue Team That Should Be Green, White and/or Red Team (21:00, Stadio Olimpico, Rome)
🇮🇹  Demiral (OG) ’53,🇮🇹  Immobile ’66,🇮🇹  Insigne ’79

Ciro Immobile beats Turkey’s defense, scoring the first non-own goal of Eurlo 2020

Day 2 – Saturday 12 June
Group A: Red Dragon Flag Team 🐲 1-1 🇨🇭  Boring Ass Red Team (Group A) (15:00, Baku Olympic Stadium)
🇨🇭 Embolo ’49, 🐲 Moore ’74

Switzerland took a controversial and ultimately unsuccesful attacking approach, positioning all outfield players in an offside position throughout the majority of the 90 mins

Group B: Hark! A Magical, Mystical Team Descends Upon Foreign Shores From A Mythical Land Way Beyond Yonder, Hark! 🇫🇮 1-0 🇩🇰 Ineligible Team (18:00, Parken, Copenhagen)
🇫🇮 Pohjanpalo 60′

Yesterday’s match in Copenhagen provided further confirmation of how important these stats are. Make no mistake, they are important. They are important things and important stats.

Group B: Team We Got Your Map Right Here, Ukraine 🇷🇺 0-3 🇧🇪 Boring Ass Red Team (Group B) (21:00, Saint Petersbug Stadium, Saint Petersburg)
🇧🇪  Lukaku 10′, 🇧🇪  Muenier 34′, 🇧🇪  Lukaku 88′

The Russian defence on the backfoot early, moments before Romelu Lukaku’s opener

Day 3 – Sunday 13 June 
Group D: White Team That Every Time Is Going to Win It All 🏥 1-0 🇭🇷  Still Not Over the Break Up And Just Feels Like A Big Loser Team (15:00, Wembley Stadium, London)
🏥 Sterling 57′

Finally after 53 years, the psycho, fucked up chacma baboon is off the back for England, after winning their opening Euro group game for the first time.

Group C: Please Don’t Think of Hitler When You Watch Us Play Come On Move on Please Team 🇦🇹 3-1 🇲🇰 Goran Pandev Team (And Nation) (18:00, National Stadium, Bucharest)
🇦🇹  Lainer 18′, 🇲🇰  Pandev 28′, 🇦🇹  Gregoritsch 78′, 🇦🇹  Arnautovic 89′

Use the slider to see what Austria (the cunts) did to Goran Pandev today. He was happy, they made him sad. Assholes.

Group C: Team That’s Waiting For Jaap Stam’s Euro 2000 Penalty To Return to Earth from the Andromeda Galaxy Before It Starts Trying Again 🇳🇱 3-2 🇺🇦 Yellow Team (Group C) (21:00, Amsterdam Arena, Amsterdam)
🇳🇱  Wijnaldum 52′, 🇳🇱  Weghorst 58′, 🇺🇦  Yarmolenko 75′, 🇺🇦  Yaremchik 79′ 🇳🇱  Dumfries 85′

Denzel Dumfries scores the winner after an inspired late challenge by the Ukrainians.

Day 4 – Monday 14 June
Group D: Team William McCrum 👴🏻  0 – 2 🇨🇿 Seriously We Are Never Going To Do Anything Better Than Winning The European Championships With The Original Panenka (No One Is) Team (15:00, Hampden Park, Glasgow)
🇨🇿 Schick 42′, 🇨🇿  Schick 52′

Czech Republic’s Patrik Schick chips Scotland keeper David Marshall from the Tatry Mountains

Group E: The Team Who Have United Northern Ireland and Republic Of Ireland 🇸🇰  2 – 1 🇵🇱 Team GLARGLOMORK (18:00, Saint Petersburg Stadium, Saint Petersburg)
🇸🇰 Szczesny (OG) 18′, 🇵🇱  Linetty 46′, 🇸🇰  Skriniar 69′
📕 Krychowiak 62′

Poland’s performance in today’s 2-1 loss to Slovakia

Group E: Team Forever Cursed by the Demons of 2008-2012 🇪🇸 0 – 0 🇸🇪  Team Wait Where The Fuck is Zlatan Is Zlatan Not Playing? Fuck (21:00, Stadium La Cartuja, Seville)

Spain’s 0-0 draw with Sweden was the best possible result for Team GLARGLOMORK.

Day 5 – Tuesday 15 June
Group F: Red Team That Totally Blew Their Only Chance To Win Something 67 Years Ago 🇭🇺 0 – 3 🇵🇹 Red Team (18:00, National Stadium, Bucharest)
🇵🇹  Guirerro 84′, 🇵🇹  Ronaldo 87′ (P), 🇵🇹  Ronaldo 90+2

Appearing as though Hungary were about to snatch a point from their clash with the defending champions, the team disappointingly conceded three goals in the last 6 seconds of the match

Group F: Blue Team 🇫🇷  1 – 0 🇩🇪 White Team (21:00, Football Arena, Munich)
🇫🇷  Hummels (OG) 20′

Day 6 – Wednesday 16 June
Group B: Hark! A Magical, Mystical Team Descends Upon Foreign Shores From A Mythical Land Way Beyond Yonder, Hark! 🇫🇮  0 – 1 🇷🇺 Team We Got Your Map Right Here, Ukraine (15:00, Saint Petersburg Stadium, Saint Petersburg)
🇷🇺  Miranchuk 45+2′
How Russia played today in their 1-0 win against Finland

Group A: Semi-finalist Red Team 🇹🇳 0 – 2 🐲 Red Dragon Flag Team (18:00, Olympic Stadium, Baku)
🐲 Ramsey 42′, 🐲 Robert 90+5′

Glagrelg Blagel dominated today in Wales’ 2-0 victory over Turkey, barring this penalty effort, where he just couldn’t be assed

Group A: Blue Team That Should Be Green, White and/or Red Team 🇮🇹 3 – 0 🇨🇭  Boring Ass Red Team (Group A) (21:00, Stadio Olimpico, Rome)
🇮🇹  Locatelli 26′, 🇮🇹  Locatelli 52′, 🇮🇹  Immobile 89′
*Blue Team That Should Be Green, White and/or Red Team qualify for second round (1st team to do so)

Against Switzerland tonight in Rome, Italy demonstrated whether they have too much or too little oil in their machine

Day 7 – Thursday 17 June
Group C: Yellow Team 🇺🇦 2-1 🇲🇰 Goran Pandev Team (And Nation) (15:00, National Stadium, Bucharest)
 🇺🇦  Yarmolenko 29′ 🇺🇦 Yaremchuk 34′ 🇲🇰 Alioski 57′

North Macedonia piled on the pressure late, desperately trying anything they could to breach the Ukrainian defense. It was to no avail, leaving Goran Pandev Team (and Nation) teetering on the brink of elimination.

*Goran Pandev Team (& Nation) Eliminated following Team That’s Waiting For Jaap Stam’s Euro 2000 Penalty To Return to Earth from the Andromeda Galaxy Before It Starts Trying Again‘s later defeat of Austria 

Group B: Ineligible Team 🇩🇰  1 – 2  🇧🇪 Boring Ass Red Team (Group B) (18:00, Parken, Copenhagen)
🇩🇰  Poulson 2′, 🇧🇪  T. Hazard 54′, 🇧🇪  DeBruyne 70′

Denmark’s first outing since Saturday’s traumatic outing against Finland highlighted, once again, the total irrelevance and also the profound significance of the above stats

Group C: Team That’s Waiting For Jaap Stam’s Euro 2000 Penalty To Return to Earth from the Andromeda Galaxy Before It Starts Trying Again 🇳🇱 2 – 0 🇦🇹 Please Don’t Think of Hitler When You Watch Us Play Come On Move on Please Team (21:00, Amsterdam Arena, Amsterdam)
🇳🇱  Depay (PK) 11′, 🇳🇱  Dumfries 67′
*Team That’s Waiting For Jaap Stam’s Euro 2000 Penalty To Return to Earth from the Andromeda Galaxy Before It Starts Trying Again qualify for second round (2nd)

Holland’s defeat of Austria eliminated North Macedonia from not only their inaugural major international tournament, but also what is likely to be Goran Pandev’s last

Day 8 – Friday 18 June
Group E: Team Wait Where The Fuck is Zlatan Is Zlatan Not Playing? Fuck 🇸🇪  1-0  🇸🇰  The Team Who Have United Northern Ireland and Republic Of Ireland (15:00, Saint Petersburg Stadium, Saint Petersburg)
🇸🇪  Forsberg (P) 77′

Slovakia’s conservative approach to today’s second group game Vs Sweden cost them dearly

Group D: Still Not Over the Break Up And Just Feels Like A Big Loser Team 🇭🇷  1-1  🇨🇿  Seriously We Are Never Going To Do Anything Better Than Winning The European Championships With The Original Panenka (No One Is) Team (18:00 Hampden, Glasgow)
🇨🇿   Schick (P) 37′, 🇭🇷  Perisic 47′

Ivan Perisic ecstatically reacts to scoring one of the goals of the year
Group D: White Team That Every Time Is Going to Win It All 🏥 👴🏻  Team William McCrum (21:00, Wembley Stadium, London)

At Wembley tonight, England and Scotland successfully reenacted the first ever international football match in 1872. Well done, both teams on that.

Day 9 – Saturday 19 June
Group F: Red Team That Totally Blew Their Only Chance To Win Something 67 Years Ago 🇭🇺  1 – 1 🇫🇷  Blue Team  (15:00, Puskás Aréna, Budapest)
🇭🇺  Fiola 45 + 2′, 🇫🇷  Griezmann 66′

Today in Budapest, Hungary pulled off one of their three required miracles, snatching a point against defending World Champion France

Group F: Red Team 🇵🇹  2 – 4 🇩🇪 White Team (18:00, Football Arena, Munich)
🇵🇹  Ronaldo 15′, 🇩🇪  Dias (OG) 35′, 🇩🇪 Guerrero (OG) 39′, 🇩🇪  Havertz 51′, 🇩🇪  Gosens 51′, 🇵🇹   Jota 67′

Group E: Team Forever Cursed by the Demons of 2008-2012 🇪🇸 1 – 1 🇵🇱 Team GLARGLOMORK (21:00, Satium La Cartuja, Seville)
🇪🇸  Morata 25′, 🇵🇱  Lewandowski 54′

Poland’s result against Spain today was going to be either one of the two above results… and in the end, it was…

Day 10 – Sunday 20 June

Group A: Blue Team That Should Be Green, White and/or Red Team 🇮🇹  1 – 0 🐲 Red Dragon Flag Team (18:00, Stadio Olimpico, Rome)
🇮🇹  Pessina 39′ 

Group A:Boring Ass Red Team (Group A) 🇨🇭  3 -1 🇹🇳  Semi-finalist Red Team (18:00, Olympic Stadium, Baku)
🇨🇭  Seferovic 6′, 🇨🇭  Shaqiri 26′,  🇹🇳  Kahveci 62′, 🇨🇭  Shaqiri 68′

The Turkish team following their feeble final group game loss to Switezerland, capping off a trash tournament for them on all levels

Day 11 – Monday 21 June
Group C: Goran Pandev Team (And Nation) 🇲🇰  0 – 3 🇳🇱 Team That’s Waiting For Jaap Stam’s Euro 2000 Penalty To Return to Earth from the Andromeda Galaxy Before It Starts Trying Again  (18:00, Amsterdam Arena, Amsterdam)
🇳🇱  Depay 24′,🇳🇱  Wijnaldum 51′, 🇳🇱  Wijnaldum 58′

Group C: Yellow Team 🇺🇦 0 – 1 🇦🇹 Please Don’t Think of Hitler When You Watch Us Play Come On Move on Please Team (18:00, National Stadium, Bucharest)
🇦🇹  Baumgartner 21′
*Netherlands and Austria qualify for Second Round

Group B: Team We Got Your Map Right Here, Ukraine 🇷🇺  1 – 4 🇩🇰 Ineligible Team (21:00, Parken, Copenhagen)
🇩🇰  Daamsgard 39′,🇩🇰  Poulson 58′, 🇷🇺  Dzuba (P) 70′, 🇩🇰  Christensen 79′,🇩🇰  Maehle 82′

After full-time in Copenhagen, the Danish team gather round the Danish team manager while he waits here to get the final result in the Belgium-Finland result on his phone. Eventually he did and hurrah, Denmark would be going through, after losing its first 2 games and picking up only 3 points from the group stage! They face Wales this weekend in the second round.

Group B: Hark! A Magical, Mystical Team Descends Upon Foreign Shores From A Mythical Land Way Beyond Yonder, Hark! 🇫🇮  0 – 2 🇧🇪 Boring Ass Red Team (Group B) (21:00, Saint Petersburg, Saint Petersburg)
🇧🇪  Hradecky (OG) 74′, 🇧🇪  Lukaku 81′
*Belgium and Denmark qualify  for Second Round

Day 12 – Tuesday 22 June
Group D:  Seriously We Are Never Going To Do Anything Better Than Winning The European Championships With The Original Panenka (No One Is) Team 🇨🇿  0 – 1 🏥 White Team That Every Time Is Going to Win It All   (21:00, Wembley Stadium, London)
🏥  Sterling 12′ 

Group D: Still Not Over the Break Up And Just Feels Like A Big Loser Team 🇭🇷 3 – 1 👴🏻  Team William McCrum (21:00, Hampden, Glasgow
🇭🇷   Vlasic 12′,👴🏻 McGregor 42′,🇭🇷  Modric 62′,🇭🇷  Perisic 77′

*England and Croatia qualify for second round in 1st and 2nd respectively. Czech Republic also qualify for second round. Scotland are eliminated.

Day 13 – Wednesday 23 June
Group E: The Team Who Have United Northern Ireland and Republic Of Ireland 🇸🇰 0 – 5   🇪🇸  Team Forever Cursed by the Demons of 2008-2012 (Stadium La Cartuja, Seville)
🇪🇸 Dubravka (OG) 30′,🇪🇸  Laporte 45 + 3′,🇪🇸  Sarabia 56′,🇪🇸  Torres 67′,🇪🇸  Kucka (OG) 71′

Group E: Team Wait Where The Fuck is Zlatan Is Zlatan Not Playing? Fuck 🇸🇪  3 – 2 🇵🇱 Team GLARGLOMORK (18:00, Saint Petersburg Stadium, Saint Petersburg)
🇸🇪  Forsberg 2′, 🇸🇪  Forsberg 59′, 🇵🇱  Lewandowski 61′, 🇵🇱  Lewandowski 84′,🇸🇪 Claesson 90 + 3′

*Sweden and Spain qualify for second round

Group F: White Team 🇩🇪 2 -2 🇭🇺 Red Team That Totally Blew Their Only Chance To Win Something 67 Years Ago (18:00, Football Arena, Munich)
🇭🇺  Szalai 11′,🇩🇪  Havertz 66′,🇭🇺  Schafer 68′,🇩🇪  Goretzka 84′ 

Group F: Red Team 🇵🇹 2 -2 🇫🇷  Blue Team  (21:00, Puskás Aréna, Budapest)
🇵🇹 Ronaldo (P) 30′,🇫🇷  Benzema (P) 45 + 2′,🇫🇷 Benzema 47′,🇵🇹 Ronaldo (P) 60′,
*France, Portugal and Germany qualify for second round

The top two in each group go through along with the four best third-place teams. 

KNOCKOUT PHASE
Round of 16

Blue Team That Should Be Green, White and/or Red Team 🇮🇹  2-1 (a.e.t) 🇦🇹 Please Don’t Think of Hitler When You Watch Us Play Come On Move on Please Team (21:00, Wembley Stadium, London)
🇮🇹  Chiesa 95′, 🇮🇹  Pessina 105′, 🇦🇹  Kalajdzic 114′

Quarter-Finals

Semi-Finals

That brings us to the end of my Eurlo 2020 coverage… stay tuned as my World Cup qualifying coverage resumes in September. Sport!