My (UNAUTHORIZED) UEFA Eurlo 2020 Preview: White Team (Group F) ***Please also note: My internet is broken so this is all from memory, I can’t look up or verify anything***

***I DON’T HAVE UEFA’S EXPLICIT WRITTEN PERMISSION TO USE, TALK OR THINK ABOUT ANY NAMES, IMAGES OR VIDEOS PUBLISHED IN MY EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP 2020 PREVIEW***

Euro 2020 (which for copyright reasons will from here on in be referred to as Eurlo 2020) is just 7 days away, so let’s take a walk down reverse memory lane and put a spotlight on all the contenders. Who will win it? Who will lose it? Who will draw it? Let all your concerns be allayed as we break down each squad in the lead up to the 16th UEFA Eurlo Championship.

Today we continue our team previews with 2016 semi-finalists and one of world football’s heavyweights, White Team.

White Team

Every major tournament, White Team are always there or there abouts when it gets down to the sticky end. 5 years ago in France country (with French people), White Team finally slayed their demons brutally with a old rusty kitchen knife when they defeated Blue Team That Has Green, White, Red Flag. However, they came up short in the following ball match, falling to a 2-0 loss to home team, Blue Team. Things are looking up for White Team these days though, as they have one of the youngest and most exciting teams in the tournament. I think. I think I heard that. Or maybe they’re in crisis because they need to get rid of a few of their aging veterans and are on the verge of an inevitable calamity. I don’t remember what I heard. Just look it up, alright?

One to watch: Kind Havlatz

Club: Didier Drogba’s Chels

Teeth condition: average-good

Communism: Less than 100%

Family Physician: Dr. Nelson

Personal Savings account # and PIN: UK40-1995-8276-1190-0067-0392 / 1922012 (his dog’s birthday)

Kind Havlatz has been regularly criticized this season for not being able to hit a boat in barn. But despite his struggles and personal psychological existential paralysing fear that we’re all saddled with throughout this endless chain of pain, conflict, regret and disappointment that is called ‘life’, watch for him to explode onto the international scene. This should prove once and for all that he plays the game of football, he does job of football player man and football is the sports game he played as a child, teeeanger and then the years immediately preceding this one. Yo, world, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

My prediction

White Team have had their fair share of internal struggles in recent times, with everyone from their yelling formally dressed man on the sidelines to their gloved shorted man having their positions questioned. Expect this to manifest itself in a horrible performance where the team explodes, both literally and the other way.

Dave Martin