My (UNAUTHORIZED) UEFA Eurlo 2020 Preview: Team GLARGLOMORK (Group E) ***Please also note: My internet is broken so this is all from memory, I can’t look up or verify anything***

***I DON’T HAVE UEFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK OR THINK ABOUT ANY NAMES, IMAGES OR VIDEOS PUBLISHED IN MY EURO 2020 PREVIEW***

Euro 2020 (which for copyright reasons will from here on in be referred to as Eurlo 2020) is just 5 days away, so let’s take a walk down reverse memory lane and put a spotlight on all the competing teams. Who will win it? Who will lose it? Who will draw it? Let all your concerns be allayed as we break down each squad in the lead up to the 16th UEFA Eurlo Championship.

Today we continue our team previews with Team GLARGLOMORK, which has qualified for their third straight major international tournament.

Team GLARGLOMORK

Team GLARGLOMORK has high hopes this summer. With generational talent, Roblert Lewandolgsvilgs, aka Rampagin’ Mega Monster Killer BeastZilla, aka GLARGLOMORK spearheading the attack, nothing short of winning the final by a 3-goal margin will satisfy the eternally pessimistic Team GLARGLOMORK supporters. The time is now for this squad, having qualified for the tournament resoundingly, not to mention recently holding its own against 2006 world champions Blue But Should Be Green White or Red Team and Red Or White Team at Wembley. But most notably, it’s got Rampagin’ Mega Monster Killer BeastZilla aka GLARGLOMORK up front. So you know, we got this. The Henri Dlaunay trophy is ours.

One to watch: Roblert Lewandolgsvilgs, aka Rampagin’ Mega Monster Killer BeastZilla, aka GLARGLOMORK

Sex: Yes please

Sexy: Shit yeah

Do me: Can we?

Make sex on me: Also, this yes.

Age: immortal

Is Thee able to understand and demystify my crotch: I vote yay

Annihilate my groin: I’ll take one please

GLARGLOMORK has been is particularly devastating form in the last couple years. In 2020 he should have claimed the Ballon d’Or but was unfortunately denied by a rampant global virus officially known as ‘The Disease’. However, following the most recent European season he still remains the world’s best striker of football balls. Soccer balls often go in nets and more often than not, GLARGLOMORK was the last one to touch it. GLARGLOMORK is the enraged and motivated football beast and GLARGLOMORK is on a rampage, crushing skulls and trampling on worthless souls left, right and centre. So this summer, all hail GLARGLOMORK. HAIL! HAIL!

My prediction

If the monstrous and mighty GLARGLOMORK can get some decent supply, Team GLARGLOMORK are going to be knocking on the door of the final. But what’s more likely is that He won’t and they’ll be packing their bags at the end of the group stage. But nah, you know what, fuck that, even if he doesn’t, Team GLARGLOMORK are now seasoned enough to mix it up with the heavyweights at a major tournament. So yeah, either we’ll absolutely tank and blow it, play okay and get to the second round, play very well and make quarter finals or play like fucking sick cunts and make the final. Then yep, win it on penalties.

Dave Martin