***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), I’m going to be answering and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Lebanon, who are yet to qualify for a World Cup.

LEBANON
What’s a country gotta do to get a fucking win?

Nickname: The Cedars
FIFA Ranking: 94 (Nov 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

Lebanon would sure love to just win one. Just get one win after all these years.

First there was the brutal civil war that involved ruthless sectarian clashes, massacres, bombings, assassinations and foreign military assaults on the country that cost over 120,00 lives and forced an exodus of over a million people. Then, the seemingly cooperative government made up of equal Sunni, Shia and Christian representation resulted in nothing but constant stalemates and perpetual cycles of incompetence, ineptitude and corruption, only destabilising the country further as each sect exploited the newly established form of governance for their own political and financial gains. Then the country suffered devastating retaliatory attacks by Israel in response to cross border raids by Hezbollah. Fuel started running out, and the country was plunged further into the international wilderness, eventually causing a economic collapse that the World Bank has described as ‘one of the world’s top 10 financial crises since the mid-19th century’ (and perhaps ‘top 3’). The electricity supply then basically disappeared, to the point that even those who had had to start using their own private generators to counteract the shortage couldn’t afford the fuel for them anymore. Then the wildfires. And in the last 2 years, the value of the Lebanese pound has plummeted 90%, making staples like meat and bread now unaffordable for many.

The banks also closed, taking people’s savings and retirement funds with them. And numerous COVID-19 lockdowns lead to swelling unemployment and reduced a record number of Lebanese to living below the poverty line. On top of that, the government’s ineptitude and constant upheaval, not to mention its mismanagement of resources and ineffectual recovery efforts have forced the Lebanese people to try sort out the country’s issues for themselves. And here’s the clincher, last year the largest ever non-nuclear bomb blast rocked Beirut after an illegally stored amount of ammonium nitrate in Beirut Port caught fire and exploded, tearing through the entire city. Over 200 people lost their lives, thousands of others were wounded and over 300,000 people were made temporarily homeless, after the explosion shredded the capital to pieces, razing large swathes of the city and reducing them to rubble.

I mean, shit. Seriously, fuck me. Is just too much to ask to win one? Seriously, anything.

But guess what, yep you guessed it, they did finally get a win, because just days ago at FIFA Arab Cup Qatar 2021, Lebanon defeated Sudan 1-0 in their final group match. And even though they won it with a single own goal, and the match was a dead rubber (as they’d already been eliminated), that’s still one for our team–chalk that one up in the W column!

One to watch: 2022 World Cup Qualifying (Asia) 

Shit. Come fucking on. With four games to go, The Cedars are well and truly in the hunt for the third place Asian playoff spot. Sure it’s no economic recovery or ascent out of an intractable humanitarian crisis, but fuck, seriously, at this point any hole’s a goal.

The highpoint: Really, any win these days (the Arab Cup ones weren’t bad)/just short of qualifying for playoff spot, World Cup 2022

Even though it came over lowly Djibouti, Lebanon did qualify for the FIFA Arab Cup 2021, and then at the final tournament, they beat Sudan 1-0. Not bad, I mean, a wins a win. And it could be argued that its most recent World Cup campaign for Qatar 2022, barring some disastrous collapses to Iran when leading 1-0 and against Iraq (ditto) then blowing it in final home game against Syria (in a match that was suspended, then abandoned, then completed, but you’d never know), was its best campaign yet.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP QLAMQTAR 2022 | QUALIFYING (ASIA) ROUND 3
Jan 27, 2022
LEBANON 🇱🇧 x 🇰🇷  SOUTH KOREA

Feb 1, 2022
LEBANON 🇱🇧 x 🇮🇶  IRAQ

Mar 24, 2022
LEBANON 🇱🇧 x 🇸🇾  SYRIA

Mar 29, 2022
IRAN 🇮🇷 x 🇱🇧  LEBANON