***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 9 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Argentina, two-time winners of the World Cup.

ARGENTINA
Birthplace of two of the world’s soccer players

Nickname: La Albiceleste
FIFA Ranking: 4 (Feb 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified

Throughout history, there have been two soccer players born in Argentina, Diego Maradona and Lionel Messi. This pair have gone on to be arguably the two greatest players in the entire history of the game, and 50% of them (Maradona) even managed to deliver his homeland a World Cup trophy.

Much like rhythmic gymnastics, singles tennis or World Championship darts, soccer in Argentina is entirely an individual sport, so it’s fortunate that the only two players ever born there have become such accomplished practitioners of the sport. In 1986, Diego Maradona won the World Cup entirely by himself (on behalf of Argentina), and while Lionel Messi is yet to do the same, he did singlehandedly deliver Argentina the Copa America in 2021.

Lionel Messi has already qualified for the FIFA World Cup Qlamqtar 2022 (representing Argentina) and while he is yet to win a World Cup, at 34 years old, 2022 may be his his last chance. In Qatar, Messi will be facing 31 other teams (comprised of at least 11 players each), yet this shouldn’t faze him, and many believe he’ll finally bring home a World Cup to Argentina by himself and himself only.

With Maradona now 6 feet under and Messi just a few years away from retirement, there’s much debate in Argentina as to whether a third soccer player will ever be born in Argentina. But with the country only ever having produced two players in its entire history, this seems highly unlikely.

One to watch: This guy (REMEMBER: CHECK NAME BEFORE PUBLISHING!!)

The guy pictured above is a soccer player; Lenny Mlessig or Mengssi is his name (pretty sure). Born in Rosario, Argentina Mlessig, or Melssif (***Check this spelling) has been praised as arguably the greatest ever player to lie motionlessly on the grass behind a wall to stop a free kick along the turf. Even though Muggsie will be Argentina’s only player at Qlamqtar 2022, fans are hoping that the second ever soccer player born in Argentina uses his skills (seen in full glory above) to help Argentina claim a third world crown. If La Albiceleste are to go all the way in Qatar in 2022, they’re going to need to Messi to be at his supine, static best.

The Highpoint: The 1986 world cup won individually by Maradona (representing Argentina)

Diego Maradona won the 1986 World Cup all by himself. And while some Argentinians still claim that he was actually part of a complete team, this is heavily disputed however and claims that Maradona had help from teammates in 1986 are unsubstantiated (historians also claim Argentina won the 1978 World Cup but since no one knows any Argentinian player/s from that tournament, this fact is disputed). Video evidence of his career fail to show any evidence of participation from teammates (such as his goal against England below), putting to bed any rumors of anyone else’s involvement in Maradona’s 1986 World Cup triumph.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE

22 Nov 2022
ARGENTINA 🇦🇷 x 🇸🇦 SAUDI ARABIA

26 Nov 2022
ARGENTINA 🇦🇷 x 🇲🇽 MEXICO

30 Nov 2022
POLAND 🇵🇱 x 🇦🇷 ARGENTINA

—–

WORLD CUP QUALIFYING | CONMEBOL*
24 March 2022
ARGENTINA 🇦🇷 x 🇻🇪 VENEZUELA

29 March 2022
ECUADOR 🇪🇨 x 🇦🇷 ARGENTINA

TBC
BRAZIL 🇧🇷 x 🇦🇷 ARGENTINA