***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at United Arab Emirates, which has qualified for the World Cup once, in 1990.

UAE
Whipped (Wuh-PSSHHH!)

Nickname: Al Abyad (The White One)/Eyal Zayed (Sons of Zayed)
FIFA Ranking: 70 (Nov 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

Flagellation is huge in UAE. Public displays of affection, drink driving, even sexting, you wanna do these things? Well, expect about 40 lashes. Ditto premarital sex, drinking if you’re Muslim, bouncing a check or being gay. Those’ll each earn you about 80-100 lashes.

And soccer players don’t miss out on the fun either. Players committing reckless tackles in soccer are sentenced to 40 lashes, challenges that are dangerous or use excessive force 80 lashes and those who strike an opponent 100 lashes. These are administered on the spot by the referee and in situations where they are already whipping someone, the nearest linesman is charged with lashing the guilty player. The amount of lashes is carefully monitored and tallied by the Video Assistant Referee, who also has the power to overturn the sentence delivered on the field. However, at this point, as the player has usually already received 10-100 strikes of the whip, critics argue this intervention is often too late.

In addition to lashing by the referee, players are also subject to flogging by their own coach. Players who give up throw-ins to the opposition receive 5 lashes from their coach, those who concede corner kicks 10, and should a player concede an own goal, this is immediately punishable by 100 lashes (with the option of crucifiction).

One to watch wash: The Burj Khalifa

At 830 m, Dubai’s Burj Khalifa is the world’s tallest building, and the motherfucker’s external windows take a whole 3 months to clean. And even then, once the crew are finished, they start the whole process all over again. Better call and let the missus know you’re working late tonight!

The highpoint: Group stage, 1990 World Cup

UAE’s group coming into Italia ’90 looked a piece of cake. The 1987 Copa America third placed Colombia, 1988 European Championship runners-up (and eventual 1990 World Cup winner) West Germany and arguably the greatest team never to win a World Cup, Yugoslavia. No biggie. Disastrously however, the UAE choked and couldn’t even get one measly point against its easybeat opponents. What a disaster

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA ARAB CUP QATAR 2021
Quarter-Final
Dec 10
QATAR 🇶🇦 x 🇦🇪 UAE

FIFA WORLD CUP QLAMQTAR 2022 | QUALIFYING (ASIA) ROUND 3
Jan 27, 2022
SYRIA 🇸🇾 x 🇦🇪 UAE

Feb 1, 2022
IRAN 🇮🇷 x 🇦🇪 UAE

Mar 24, 2022
IRAQ 🇮🇶 x 🇦🇪 UAE

Mar 27, 2020
UAE 🇦🇪 x 🇰🇷 SOUTH KOREA