***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doosie. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Djibouti, who have never qualified for a World Cup (or major tournament).

DJIBOUTI
Have you ever beaten Eswatini over two legs in a World Cup qualification tie? Yeah no, didn’t think so. So shut up.

Nickname: The Shoreman of the Red Sea
FIFA Ranking: 192 (Dec 2021)

In September 2019, Djibouti was drawn to face Eswatini in a home-away tie in the first round of qualifying for the 2022 Qlamqtar World Cup. At the time, the Djiboutians were ranked almost 60 places below their southern African rivals and had lost to them 8-1 on aggregate in World Cup Qualifying only 3 years earlier. But what did they do this time round? Well, get ready for this, cause this is something you’ve NEVER done and NEVER WILL. The Shoremen of the Red Sea claimed a remarkable 2-1 home win before an ecstatic home crowd in Djibouti City and then in the away leg in Manzini—ready to fall bad for yourself?–they withstood a barrage of attacks by the home team (including a last minute strike that rebounded off the bar) and hung on for a 0-0 draw, sending them through (on away goals) to the African qualifying 2nd round group stage for only the second time in their history.

You ever done something as cool as that? Yeah nah, exactly. So shut the hell up.

One to watch: The East African Rift

Djibouti lies on the convergence of three tectonic plates (known as the Afar Triangle), where constant seismic activity is creating a rift that appears to be splitting the African continent. This division may eventually lead to the formation of a new ocean basin, the disappearance of Africa’s horn and as a result, a large part of Somalia, Djibouti’s bitter local nemesis. And although geologists predict that this won’t occur for another 10 million years, if you’re a fan of Djibouti soccer, stay tuned because with half of Somalia submerged in the ocean, the Somali national team is eventually going to have an even smaller geographical territory to scout talent from, meaning they’ll be even shittier than they are now! HAHAHA YOU SUCK, SOMALIA! GOOOO DJIBOUTI!

The Highpoint: Do I even need to say?

Here you go, in case you wanna relive the magic all over again, here’s the full match replay of the 2nd leg!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

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Nup. Eliminated from qualification in the second round of Africa qualifying (bottom in group).