***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances),and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Sudan, which are yet to qualify for a FIFA World Cup.
SUDAN
Will be able to see what the hell it’s doing once the Great Green Wall’s finished (hopefully 2030)
Nickname: Falcons of Jediane/Desert Hawks
FIFA Ranking: 124 (Nov 2021)
The Great Green Wall is a multi-billion, multinational project aiming to build a barrier of forestry that runs along the Sahel transitional realm, over approximately 8000km across the entire width of the African continent. Initiated in 2007, its purpose is to counter desertification (by holding back the creeping sands of the Sahara), biodiversity loss, extreme heatwaves, extreme poverty caused by loss of arable lands, and the arenaceous burial of soccer fields, players and their equipment. And while the Sudanese national soccer team was once a force to be reckoned with in Africa, due to an increasing frequency of sand storms and shifting of sand dunes, its players, coaches and administrational staff increasingly find themselves either not even being able to see where the ball is, or simply getting continuously buried in piles and piles of beach dirt. Well past the midpoint in its 23-year plan, the project is only 4% complete, leaving Sudan’s national team players wondering if they’re ever going to be able to finish even one god damn training session without ending up neck-deep in sand, or the soil of their pitches just straight up getting blown away from underneath them.
One to watch: The pyramids of Meroë
When you think of pyramids it’s Egypt that usually springs to mind, but in fact Sudan has even more of them than Giza–around 200 in fact. But don’t blink, because these ancient Nubian shrines and tombs built around 2500BC are unique not only because they are prone to weathering and deterioration caused by shifting sand dunes and frequent dust storms, but they’re the only pyramids that some Italian treasure hunter idiot back in the 1830s exploded the tops off, to try gain access to ancient artefacts within. Mamma mia!
The Highpoint: Being one of the founding members of CAF
Together with Ethiopia, South Africa and Egypt, Sudan was one of the four founding members of CAF in 1957. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Well it sounds good, but it’s not good, because it’s been all downhill ever since, having just one noteworthy effort in qualifying for the 2002 World Cup (registering 5 wins, but also 5 losses). Note to self: found international confederations doesn’t make you do the thing well (the thing that the confederations about).
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Jan 11, 2022
SUDAN 🇸🇩 x 🇬🇼 GUINEA-BISSAU
Jan 15, 2022
NIGERIA 🇳🇬 x 🇸🇩 SUDAN
Jan 19, 2022
EGYPT 🇪🇬 x 🇸🇩 SUDAN