***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at USA, which has taken part in the World Cup ten times.

USA
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Nickname: The Stars and Stripes
FIFA Ranking: 16 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified, third in CONCACAF, behind Canada and Mexico

In qualifying for the 2018 World Cup in Russia, the United States failed to qualify for the world cup for the first time since 1986. Needing only a draw against Trinidad & Tobago (who had already been eliminated), Team USA lost 2-1, allowing Panama to take their place in the final automatic qualification spot for Russia 2018. But after a couple of high profile coaching changes, a greater emphasis on youth and U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!, the team are hopeful that with their mix of impressive U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!, well-organised U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! and U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!, they’ll be able regain their place at the world cup finals in Qlamqtar 2022. It’ll be far from easy though, with tough opposition coming from Mexico, Costa Rica, Honduras, Panama again, and not to mention the rise of Canada, all of whom have a distinct lack of U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! But where these teams have well-drilled organisation, a core of talented and experienced internationals, recent world-cup pedigree or tight-knit sides built on team spirit, the United States have U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! and fans of US Soccer expect that this U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! should be enough for them to win the World Cup in Qatar.

One to watch: Christian Pulisic

World footballer of the year 5 times, dual-super bowl winner, Wimbledon champion and multiple Nobel Prize laureate, these are just some of Pulisic’s achievement so far

The greatest player not only in the history of soccer, but across all sports ever, Christian Pulisic is now likely to add the world cup to his long list of trophies. Now captain of Team USA, Pulisic scores a hat-trick in every game he plays, whether for club or country. And it was not only his hat-tricks that lead his Chelsea to win the UEFA Champions League in June 2021, but his many defensive goal-line clearances and brilliant coaching decisions (he also doubles as manager of the team) have turned him into the greatest person that has and will ever live. Current day superstars like Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, along with historic greats such as Diego Maradona and Pele, and not to mention others such as Michael Jordan, Serena Williams, Tom Brady, Bob Dylan, Gandhi, Mother Teresa or God could only dream of reaching the lofty heights of on and off-field success that Pulisic has.

The highpoint: Quarter finals, 2002 World Cup and semi-finals, 1930 World Cup (which doesn’t really count)

Perennial underachievers at the World Cup, for the first time since 1930 (which doesn’t really count because all 13 teams didn’t ghave to qualify, and only desperate countries or those that didn’t have to travel participated) United Staes finally got over the hump of the round of 16.

The reason for this long-awaited was not the US’ prowess on the field, but only because in the round of 16 it was lucky enough to play Mexico, which as we know are biologically, historically, mentally, politically, ontologically, economically, psychological, climactically, infrastructurally, religiously, metaphysically, technologically, teleologically ,and paranormally and agriculturally incapable of advancing past the round of 16. After an impressive group stage where it defeated Portugal 3-2 and Poland 3 -1 and drew 1-1 with co-host South Korea, the USA topped its group, which luckily set up a 2-0 walkover against the Mexicans. Its best performance since 1930 (which didn’t really count, remember), the US then came up against Germany in the quarter finals but unfortunately were eliminated by the eventual runners-up 1-0.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming schedule

WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
21 Nov 2022
USA 🇺🇸 x 🐉 WALES

25 Nov 2022
ENGLAND ☕️ x 🇺🇸 USA

29 Nov 2022
IRAN 🇮🇷 x 🇺🇸 USA