***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Portugal, which has qualified for the World Cup on eight occasions.

PORTUGAL
Saudade… Just so… much… saudade 😔

Nickname: A Seleção (The Selection)
FIFA Ranking: 9 (August 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified, winning its playoff path (UEFA) defeating North Macedonia in the final

Saudade is the difficult-to-translate sensation of longing for something that was special that can never be again. It is not feeling someone’s presence itself, but feeling the presence of their absence and the deep understanding that you will likely never see that irreplaceable thing again. A “Portuguese way of life”, it is a desire for desire itself, most closely translated into English as the words bittersweet or the overused desiderium (am I right?). And it is a visceral sensation that Portugal have had since 1966, and one which will it continue to torture itself with for eternity.

Portugal used to be cheery and hopeful, always seeing the best in everything. In 1966, with arguably the World’s best player Eusebio in its squad, they headed into their inaugural World Cup as one of the hot favourites, and despite a quarter-final scare against North Korea–where they managed to recover from a 3-0 deficit to win 5-3–they cruised through the tournament to face England in the semi-finals. This marks the moment where its saudade started.

Portugal’s semi-final clash with England was due to take place at Goodison Park in Liverpool, however, a late switch by tournament organisers then meant the Portuguese were forced to scramble and travel down to London to face the hosts. England would defeat and eliminate them 2-1, ultimately leaving them with just a third place finish in what was and forever will be their best chance at a World Cup, and most significantly, it would become the torturous reference point for where their current pangs of heartbreaking saudade stem from.

After their elimination, the Portuguese would bear the cross of such excruciating saudade that they wouldn’t reach another World Cup finals for another 20 years, and then another 16 years after that (falling at the group stage on both occasions due to their poor results, but mostly due to their poor souls ravaged by the destruction of saudade.). They fell to France in the semis of Euro 2000, and in the final of Euro 2004–held on its own turf–to Greece of all countries, and while their 2006 World Cup was a success, their underwhelming 1-0 semi-final loss to France reeked of saudade.

Portugal’s 2010 World Cup loss at the quarter final stage couldn’t shake the saudade of 1966 either (played before the man whose to blame for its saudade-Eusebio), much less the 2014 team, but that would all change in 2016 at the European Championships (sort of).

In France in 2016, A Seleção had their finest hour. Just sneaking through the group stage with three draws after being unable to defeat Austria, Iceland or Hungary, the Portuguese knocked out Croatia in the round of 16 in the group stage, Poland in the quarters on penalties, before comprehensively putting an end to Wales’ fairytale in the semi-finals. After 109 scoreless minutes against France in the final, a long distance strike by substitute Eder would prove to be the winner, delivering Portugal (and its benchwarmer Cristiano Ronaldo) its first ever major international trophy. Sadly though, its glorious triumph at Paris’ Stade de France wasn’t enough to put an end to the nation’s saudade because, you know, it’s the Euros for one, and secondly, well it’s Portugal, and feeling the profound inner wretched torment of saudade will plague it forever, even if it wins this World Cup in 2022 or any future one/s.

One to watch: The only one it could be (Eder)

When it comes to Portuguese soccer players there’s one name and one name only. There is but one man whose name can possibly be uttered. Only one man that towers above all his subjects, who put his country on the international football map, and delivered it success for the first time in history… and that man is none other than the great, the unmatched, the irreplaceable and the incredible Eder.

Thrust into action late in the Euro 2016 final, partly due to a forced substitution of ineffective attacking midfielder Cristiano Ronaldo (then playing for Spanish club Real Madrid), the scorer of the 109th minute extra time was the famous, the one, the only, the great Al Raed striker “E9”. And with Portugal unlikely to accomplish the greatest feat possible and ever win a World Cup–or actually enjoy it if they do (see above)–it is Eder, and Eder only that will forever, and unquestionably, be Portugal’s greatest. Ever. Player.

The Highpoint: Semi-Finalists, 1966 and 2016 World Cup

Being eliminated by England at the semi-final stage of the 1966 World Cup, revenge was eventually taken by the Portuguese in the sweetest way possible at the 2006 World Cup–penalties. Oh, penalties, how we are enamoured with thee and thy drama that you summon. And it was this beautiful condemnation that the Portuguese delivered upon their 1966 conquerers in cold, cold blood.

They then were bundled out by France in the semis, going down without a whimper 1-0 in Munich. Oh well.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

UEFA NATIONS LEAGUE | LEAGUE A
24 Sep 2022
CZECH REPUBLIC 🇨🇿 x 🇵🇹 PORTUGAL

27 Sep 2022
PORTUGAL 🇵🇹 x 🇪🇸 SPAIN

BULLSHIT FRIENDLY
17 Nov 2022
PORTUGAL 🇵🇹 x 🇳🇬 NIGERIA

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
24 Nov 2022
PORTUGAL 🇵🇹 x 🇬🇭 GHANA

28 Nov 2022
PORTUGAL 🇵🇹 x 🇺🇾 URUGUAY

2 Dec 2022
SOUTH KOREA 🇰🇷 x 🇵🇹 PORTUGAL