***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about three moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at England, which has qualified for the World Cup 16 times, winning the trophy in 1966.

ENGLAND
MISSING: Football, Last seen at home 56 years ago

Nickname: Three Lions
FIFA Ranking: 5 (Aug 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified (top of group ahead of Poland, Hungary, Albania, Andorra and San Marino)

Football as we know it–with all the rules, regulations and such–was born and raised in England. And all things considered, it was nurtured and allowed to develop as any infant sport should be, to the extent that it even won a cute little World Cup for itself in 1966. It was at that point that it moved out, and despite England’s relentless begging, both in song and chant form, it just refuses to come home.

Football left home in 1966 and wasn’t seen anywhere near it until almost 25 years later, when England reached the semi-finals of the 1990 World Cup in Italy. Disappointingly for its makers (at least in the game’s modern form) though, Football didn’t come home. Then, six years later it almost came home again, only to not, because England lost to Germany in the semis of Euro 96. 22 years after that, Football almost came home again, but once again didn’t after the English lost in the semi finals of the 2018 World Cup to Croatia and then, just last year at Euro 2020, it looked like Football was definitely coming home after England took an early lead in the final against Italy, only to lose on penalties, meaning that yet again, Football didn’t come home (and still hasn’t).

Despite a conspicuous absence of reportage detailing where it actually went after leaving home 1966, even a shallow dive into the record books will reveal that the whereabouts of Football ever since the ’66 World Cup are anything but a mystery.

After England’s win at Wembley in 1966, Football went first to Italy, then Brazil, West Germany (and stayed there for four years), Czechoslovakia, Argentina, back to West Germany, Italy, France, back to Argentina, the Netherlands, over to West Germany again, to Denmark, to Brazil again, to Germany, then France (for four years), over to Brazil again, then, to Greece, back to Italy, then to Spain for six years, back again to Germany, down to Portugal, to France again and then finally to Italy once more, where Football is currently located.

Although there is a fresh chance that Football will finally come home this year, with the current state of the England team, its players being unable to complete the fundamental objective that it wrote into the rules of the game itself (i.e. moving the ball over the goal line in the opposing side’s rectangular goal frame), Football looks pretty comfortable being away from home for at least a little while longer.

One to watch: THE FOOTBALLLLLL

You gotta watch the football. You gotta watch it. You gotta. There are teams playing each other in football, one trying to win, the other trying to win, everywhere, in every country, every day, all the time, and you’ve gotta watch it. Here you go, here’s why you’ve gotta watch it. All the time. Every day and forever…:

The Highpoint: Winning the World Cup 1966 thanks to an Azerbaijani

In 1966, for the first time in history, England became World Champions of the game they claim to have invented. The Three Lions claimed the pretty crappy-in-hindsight-looking Jules Rimet World Cup trophy (above) on home soil by defeating Germany 4-2 in the final at Wembley, and it was thanks entirely to the heroics of one man and one many only: Azerbaijani linesman Tofiq Bahramov.

Despite a stunning performance from Geoff Hurst–who became the first and only player to score a hat-trick in a World Cup final, a title which remains to this day–it was Bahramov’s match-winning involvement in England’s third and decisive goal in extra-time that brought the English their first and only ever World Cup. Although records and grainy footage will show that it was Geoff Hurst who turned his man inside out and fired upon German goalkeeper Hans Tilkowski from close range, it was Bahramov who made the decisive action. After seeing Hurst’s goal fail to cross the line, he managed to defy logic, physics and common sense and finished the goal off for England. Bahramov’s goal would make it 3-2, demoralizing the Germans (who would then concede a fourth soon after) and ultimately bring England their only ever World Cup trophy, all courtesy of an Azerbaijani and his grudge against West Germany for eliminating his native Soviet Union a match earlier in the semi-finals.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
21 Nov 2022
ENGLAND ☕️ x 🇮🇷 IRAN

25 November 2022
ENGLAND ☕️ x 🇺🇸 USA

29 Nov 2022
WALES 🐉 x ☕️ ENGLAND