***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOSFROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 12 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Trinidad & Tobago, who’ve qualified for the World Cup once before, in 2006.
TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO
Can’t work on soccer skills right now, busy getting ready for/reminiscing about/currently at Carnival
Nickname: Soca Warriors
FIFA Ranking: 101 (Nov 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify
PONG PONG PONG
Dja’ll tink we got time fah this t’ing called Soccer? Whey yuh say? Mama yo! Tell me dis t’ing nah, dis ain’t Life in London, Hoss! When yah limin’ like we limin’ in Port of Spain, we limin’. Carnival, the steelpan, and de Limbo wit nah end here, limbo high limbo low, fah true. Carnival got no end, we always in t’ing. Pong pong pong, yah wanna wine and lime and grease yah waistline, Weys! Wine! ha Yah makin’ joke! Yuh ass too happy, yah fadda is a glassmaker? Dis T’ing you say is chupid, padna! BOOM BAM PONG PONG ! Play mas with us down tha road and feel the rhythm of the Soca beat! We limin’! So you limin’ wit us tonight?
One to watch: The limbo stick
Watch that bad boy, just watch it, because if you touch that limbo bar, you won’t be no limbo star. But all that’s required for you is to just be nimble, just be quick, and you won’t don’t drop that limbo stick. And due largely to the fact that within the Trinidad and Tobago exosphere there lies a limbo moon above, it has been confirmed that you will, most likely, fall in limbo love.
The highpoint: Group stage, World Cup 2006
In 2005, Trinidad and Tobago became the smallest ever nation and only the third Caribbean side to qualify for the World Cup. And while they didn’t manage to notch up a win in Germany, they did somehow hold the Swedish at bay for an entire 90 minutes to register their first ever World Cup point, with Shaka Hislop’s heroic performance in goal earning him an immortal place in Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s book.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
Ha! Doh make joke, like you went to school in August and your best subject was recess, hoss!