***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 10 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Guinea-Bissau, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

GUINEA-BISSAU
Entered into a binding mass suicide agreement on Jan 19, 2022

Nickname: The Wild Dogs
FIFA Ranking: 106 (Dec 2021)

Guinea-Bissau’s opponents for their final group game at AFCON 2021 were Nigeria, and prior to the match the team made a pledge: ‘We’d rather die than lose to them’. Since a win would have granted them a spot in the round of 16 for the first ever time, it was arguably the most important game in the history of the national team, and to that end, entering into a mass suicide pact as a team was necessary.

As it turned out, the Wild Dogs lost, succumbing to the might of the Super Eagles 2-0. With the loss confirmed, the promisors Guinea-Bissau (herein referred to as “Wild Dogs”) had now activated the suicide clause that was the key provision of its pre-match vow. To wit, The promisors are now required to enact their mass suicide within the next thirty (30) days, in adherence to the key promise 1.1 in their mass suicide agreement contract entered into on Jan 19, apropos their match against Nigeria at AFCON 2021 .

At press time, “Wild Dogs” have not fulfill their contractual obligation, but stay tuned, as any day now news should filter out of Bissau, reporting a gruesome scene involving 11 dead athletes with a suicide note saying goodbye to the cruel world and that Nigeria made them do it.

One to watch: The saltwater hippos in Orango

The island of Orango, found 60 km from mainland Guinea-Bissau, is one of the few places in the world you’ll find saltwater hippos. These mostly herbivorous mammals spend their days in freshwater lagoons and then, at night, head to the beach to disinfect their skin in the surf. So if you’re down the beach building a sandcastle or chillin’ with your crew with some brewskis, don’t be surprised if there’s a saltwater hippo suddenly goring you to death or stomping your head until your brain and skull are crushed and shattered into a horrifying bloody mess.

The Highpoint: Last in their group, without scoring a goal, but not the worst team at the 2006 Lusophony Games

Sure, qualifying for three consecutive African Cup of Nations is nothing to scoff at, but the team’s ultimate achievement has to be their performance at the 2006 Lusophony Games (an international event involving athletes from Portuguese speaking nations). Guinea Bissau got absolutely stomped at the tournament, journeying all the way to Macau for the event, not even scoring a goal and losing both games to Portugal and São Tomé and Principe 3-0. Still, as embarrassing as it is to lose to São Tomé and Principe (by any score), at least they didn’t do as badly as Macau and East Timor in the two other groups, both of which also didn’t score even a solitary goal, but ended up with even worse goal differences, with Macau conceding three more goals across the two matches, and East Timor four. FORÇA GUINEA-BISSAU, FORÇA!

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Upcoming matches

None, as all players will soon be found dead by suicide at the same location, with the method most likely being gunshots or acute poisoning