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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Team Profile | SRI LANKA: Right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration = wrong results


The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 5 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Sri Lanka, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

Said to have first appeared around 500BC, the lion on Sri Lanka’s flag features eight hairs, one for each World Cup qualifying campaign that the national team’s failed in since it first entered in 1994

Right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration = wrong results

By standing around doing nothing in training (‘right effort’), Sri Lanka should continue to prevent the arising of unwelcome states, such as being better than the world’s 3rd worst team

Nickname: Golden Army
FIFA Ranking: 207 (June 2022)

FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below South Korea, Lebanon and Turkmenistan

Representing the world’s oldest continually Buddhist nation, the Sri Lankan national soccer team have adhered so closely to the Buddha’s eightfold path to liberation (Nirvana) that they refuse to inflict the suffering of loss on any of their opponents.

A Sri Lankan player practicing ‘right conduct’ (kicking ball with his shin)

Going about their conduct in the ‘right’ way (‘right’ meaning ‘appropriate’ or ‘accurate’), the Sri Lanka national team have steered clear of achieving any significant results in qualifying for any major international tournament (‘right conduct’). This way of practice (spurning any chances of winning matches) has on one hand granted the team the cessation of stress, while at the same time prevented them from winning any matches after the first round of AFC qualifying. Well aware of the pain that winning and the ultimate ‘wrong’ achievement (qualification) would cause to another nation, Sri Lanka have rejected such intentions and acts against fellow international teams, thereby maintaining their position on the path to enlightenment, albeit while sucking massively in international soccer.

The Golden Army’s virtuous, selfless conduct on the field (in the form of refusing to defeat opponents) has been rewarded with freedom from remorse, as such giving the team and its fans joy, rapture and serenity as well as zero successful World Cup qualification campaigns going back to 1990, and zero successful qualification campaigns in Asian Cup qualifying, stretching all the way back to 1956.

Sri Lankan defenders ensuring they’re free from the purgatory of remorse by practicing ‘right concentration’ (being asleep at a set piece allowing a Bhutan player to drift in for a free header)

Despite its staunch devotion to right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration from the time of its inception into FIFA, Sri Lanka has occasionally strayed from its path to Nirvana. In 1995, the side went all the way in the 1995 SAFF championship, defeating India courtesy pf a golden goal in the final, yet the guilt that was brought on by ‘wrongfully’ defeating fellow pilgrims on their own spiritual quest, Nepal and India, forced the team to reassess their conduct, and from that moment it swore to never inflict such pain on an opponent again.

Sri Lankan defenders and its goalkeeper practising ‘right resolve’ (ie. none), allowing a Bhutan a clear path on goal

Back on their righteous path of ceding nigh on every game to their opponents after the SAFF triumph, Sri Lanka have only had the occasional slip-up, such as allowing itself to advance past Macau in the first round playoffs of World Cup 2022 after the Macanese failed to show up for the second leg, or wrongfully permitting itself to finish above a team in the subsequent second round after North Korea withdraw and had all their results voided. The Golden Army did do everything in its power to avoid the latter result however (finishing with zero points and a -21 goal difference, thereby technically worse than North Korea, which had 0 points and a 0 goal difference), proving that despite its periodic hiccups, the 3rd lowest ranked team in the world remain steadfast on their path to liberation.

One to watch: Your ass, if it’s got anything to do with the Buddha

Whether turning your back on a Buddha statue, wearing any clothing with Buddha motifs or bearing any tattoos of the Buddha, you’re gonna wanna watch your ass in Sri Lanka. To different extents, these items and behaviour are viewed as disrespectful and can result with your ass getting deported or even thrown in the slammer. So don’t you fuck around, because when it comes to the huge, smooth, golden-hued fella, Sri Lankan authorities don’t either. So prior to your Sri Lankan adventure, make sure you get all Buddha tattoos removed, leave that Buddha baseball cap or novelty “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha” t-shirt at home and be sure to always face Buddha statues (if you’re surrounded by several, don’t fret, spinning around frantically, with your arms stretched out for safety, should ease any concerns of the locals).

When surrounded by Buddha statues in Sri Lanka, this move should have you covered

The Highpoint: 1996 (Cricket) World Cup

Hosting the World Cup in its backyard (together with India and Pakistan), the Sri Lanka national soccer team watched on as its (cricket) team astonishingly secured its first ever World Cup trophy. Amid security concerns following a terrorist bombing in Colombo that claimed 91 lives and wounded 1400, the Sri Lankan national soccer team are from the same country as the one that went through to the quarter-finals automatically after the group match forfeits of West Indies and Australia, then defeated shitty England, trounced India in Calcutta and ultimately swept Australia away with relative ease in the final. This was a watershed moment for the national (cricket) team and the national soccer team will forever live on in the memories of Sri Lankans as the team that did not achieve this glorious feat.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

When a Sri Lankan waggles their head in conversation, it can mean anything

Upcoming matches

Seriously, what difference does it make?