***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Timor-Leste, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

TIMOR-LESTE
“HEY BRAZILIANS WHO CAN’T AND WON’T EVER GET CALLED UP TO YOUR NATIONAL TEAM… HAVE WE GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!!”

Nickname: O Sol Nascente (The Rising Sun)
FIFA Ranking: 199 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (AFC), eliminated by Malaysia 12-2 on aggregate)

If you’re a Brazilian who can’t and won’t ever get a call up for A Seleção, you’re gonna wanna check out this offer from the Timor-Leste National Football Federation! But shhhh, keep it on the DL okay!! k thanks bye!!

One to watch: The complete lack of UNESCO World Heritage sites in Timor-Leste (aka ‘East East Asian SHITHOLE’)

Sure, Timor Leste is a tropical paradise and home to the world’s most biodiverse coral reef, but it’s one of 27 countries without even one UNESCO listed heritage site. Pffft… nice one IDIOTS. And it doesn’t even have one on the tentative list awaiting approval either. Woof. I mean, even Indonesia has some. INDONESIA, for fuck’s sake.

Timor-Leste… what a shithole.

The Highpoint: Defeating Mongolia and then having their result overturned and then still denying Mongolia progress

Mongolia set off on a dream of reaching the 2018 FIFA World Cup in Russia in the first round of Asian qualifying but they were soon flattened and eliminated by Timor-Leste 5-1 on aggregate (which featured a 1-0 Timor Leste away win in Mongolia). Later however it was revealed that O Sol Nascente had fielded an entirely ineligible team made up of half of Brazil and they were retrospectively dumped from the qualification (and suspended from qualifying for the 2023 AFC Asian Cup), with the win being awarded to Mongolia. Unfortunately for the Blue Wolves, FIFA’s sentence came after the next round of qualifying had already begun, which meant Mongolia was not able to be reinstated and had to sit at home in its yurt cursing Timor Leste till the yaks came home. So on behalf of Mongolia: fuck you Timor Leste. But on behalf of Timor-Leste: hahahahahah @Mongolia.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

Depends on how many ineligible Brazilians are selected