***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Mozambique, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

MOZAMBIQUE
TICO-TICO!!! (and/or some other randos)

Nickname: Os Mambas (The Mambas)
FIFA Ranking: 119 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (CAF), finishing behind Cameroon and Ivory Coast

Over the course of its history, Mozambique has proved to be a consistent performer in international football, and it’s all thanks to Manuel José Luis Bucuane (otherwise known as Tico-Tico).

Thanks entirely to Tico-Tico (and/or some other randos), The Mambas have qualified for the Africa Cup of Nations on four occasions, which for a small man like Tico-Tico is not bad at all. The record holder for national team appearances, goals, throw-ins, complaints to the referee, dives, post-match interviews, cursing out his teammates, pats on the ass, snot rockets and mosquito net PSAs (see below), Tico-Tico (and/or some other randos) has consistently put in a good showing in World Cup qualifying, and although Tico-Tico (and/or some other randos) has never progressed to the finals, it’s not for a want of effort, since Tico-Tico slayed all teams before him and smeared every defence he encountered, both at club and international level. Mozambique’s failure to qualify for world soccer’s ultimate prize is down purely to the other randos who have never been able to take that next step and defeat superior opposition, since Tico-Tico still could probably not only qualify for the world cup as a one-man team, but probably win it too. With his eyes closed.

Sadly for The Mambas, they’ve always had to field 10 other randos around Tico-Tico at all times. Having to adhere to this FIFA mandated requirement has historically hamstrung the side, leaving them unable to let Tico-Tico just run around on his own, singlehandedly torch rival defences and then pinch the crucial World Cup qualifying results when they’ve been needed most.

And also, other players have done things for the national team too.

One to watch: Mozambique denying exciting/annoying Tunisia a spot at the 2010 World Cup South Africa

Whether you’re a fan of Mozambique or you’ve always thought Tunisia are boring as shit and can go flip off because no wants them at the World Cup anyway, you’re gonna wanna fuck with this. Going into the final matchday of Africa qualifying for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Mozambique had already been eliminated from contention, leaving group rivals Nigeria and Tunisia still battling for top spot and one of 5 qualifying places at the first ever World Cup in Africa. Nigeria would only qualify if Tunisia lost and it defeated Kenya away, meaning that all Tunisia needed was a win and they’d book their place at South Africa. Brace yourself if you don’t mind Tunisia, or get ready to laugh if the Tunisia national team has bored you shitless ever since the 1998 World Cup where they were eliminated in the first round without even scoring a goal (apart from a bullshit penalty), because here it comes.

In Nairobi, despite struggling to overcome bottom-of-the-group Nigeria, the Super Eagles managed to tally late through Obafemi Martins to go up by a goal in with under 10 minutes to go. At the same time in Maputo, Mozambique, The Mambas and Tunisia were still locked at 0-0, meaning Nigeria would be going through as group winners. And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse (if you like the Tunisia national team) or funnier (if they bore the shit out of you and have done so since watching your first World Cup in 1998), Mozambique’s Dário made the most of some terrible/hilarious defending and slotted one past the Tunisia goalkeeper. It would prove to be the winner, meaning that after being in the box seat only 2 hours earlier, sadly/brilliantly Tunisia had blown a golden chance to be one of five nations representing Africa in the first ever World Cup held on the continent.

Disastrous😭 /Classic 🤣 .

The Highpoint: 8th, Africa Cup of Nations 1986 (or not)

Mozambique have taken part at the Africa Cup of Nations of four occasions and their 1986 jaunt was their best ever performance at the tournament. Or their worst. Depends really how you look at it.

In AFCON 1998 they did manage a draw with 90s heavyweight Zambia, as well as getting a point out of their clash with Guinea-Bissau in AFCON 2010, but it was in 1986 where they did Mozambique the most proud (I mean, I guess) with their highest ever finish of 8th. There were however only two groups of four back in Egypt in 1986 (a total of yes, 8 teams) while in 1996, 1998 and 2010, with the tournament then being played in its expanded 16-team format they officially finished 14th, 16th and 15th respectively. So depending on which way you look at it, Mozambique’s run at AFCON 1986 either kicked ass or totally sucked ass.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

AFRICA CUP OF NATIONS 2023 IVORY COAST | QUALIFYING – GROUP STAGE
2 June 2022
MOZAMBIQUE 🇲🇿 x 🇷🇼 RWANDA

8 June 2022
BENIN 🇧🇯 x 🇲🇿 MOZAMBIQUE

19 Sep 2022
SENEGAL 🇸🇳 x 🇲🇿 MOZAMBIQUE