***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Ghana, who have qualified for the world cup 3 times, in 2006, 2010 and 2014.

GHANA
2/7/2010 #NeverForget

Nickname: The Black Stars
FIFA Ranking: 52 (Dec 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified

Our memories of the events of the 2nd of July 2010 are indelible. They are forever seared into our hearts and our minds. And despite the sheer anguish we experienced that night, we must Never Forget. Never forget the pain, Never Forget the agony, Never Forget the heartbreak.

We shall never forget the shock and terror we experienced on that night, as we watched what happened in Johannesburg, South Africa. It is our duty, as humans, as brothers and sisters, to forever keep at the forefront of our consciousness that night, when a group of 11 innocent Ghanaians were struck down by Uruguay, while on their way to the World Cup semi-finals as the first ever African team to advance past the quarter finals. Our hearts will never shake the heartache we felt after our Black Stars were struck down by a Diego Forlan free-kick 10 minutes while still enjoying themselves thanks to a 45th minute strike by Sulley Muntari.

We will never forget the anxiety of heading into extra-time at 1-1, with the whole world hoping our brave Ghanaians would just be allowed to win and advance to the semi-finals. We will never forget the tension of the 30 minute extra time, as we stood as one with Africa, together with Nelson Mandela, who had just said that ‘The whole of Africa is behind you’, and we were praying for Uruguay to allow Ghana to simply spare the Black Stars their World Cup lives. We will never forget the dread we were all overcome with as the game approached the 120th minute and the apparent unbearable trauma of the penalty shootout. As the referee’s final whistle in extra time approached, we held each other in desperation as Ghana were awarded one last chance to fulfill their potential as a promising young World Cup nation, being awarded a free kick in a dangerous position just outside the area.

And while we will never forget the joy we felt seconds later as a goalbound header appeared to be sailing into the back of the net, we will never forget how our world came crashing down moments later as the ball was repelled back off the goalline, apparently condemning us to further torture, being denied a certain decisive goal. That was not the case however.

Immediately following the goalmouth scramble where we, along with Africa and let’s be honest, everyone who wasn’t Uruguayan were denied a certain goal, we all rejoiced in unbridled euphoria as the referee then pointed to the penalty spot, then sending off Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez, the perpetrator of the unspeakable crime that would, from that day, forever haunt our African football-related dreams.

This was what we had dreamed of, what we wanted, what we truly deserved. Ghana with a penalty in the last minute of extra time. We all knew that this was to be the last kick of the match, and as we waited with bated breath, holding each other in anticipation of the unrestrained ecstasy that was finally going to be ours, wondering about our opponent in the next round, even daring to dream of a spot in the final and God Forbid, maybe even winning the World Cup. We then watched Asamoah Gyan (the Baby Jet) step up to take the spotkick, poise himself, take a deep breath and then run in to strike the penalty, and it was at that moment that our world came crashing down.

We will never forget seeing Gyan’s penalty rising and rising and then ultimately–in a moment that would deliver us a hammer blow to the heart that we will never recover from–crash off the bar and fly into the crowd behind the goal, denying us the certain goal that would surely take Ghana threw to the semi-finals. As the ball cannoned off the bar, we will never forget the expelled Luis Suarez celebrating in the tunnel as he saw Gyan’s spot graze the top of the bar and careen into the stands.

In the shootout, Gyan, who was the Black Star’s best player at the tournament, still remained determined to step up and take a spotkick. With the strength of 1000 Russian Empire infantry soldiers, the courage of 5000 Russian Empire artillery men and the strength of 10,000 Russian Empires, Gyan, who’d just suffered a near fatal blow only minutes earlier, managed to put his recent debacle behind him, then took his shot and buried it in the back of the net. His joy was short lived as we will never forget the subsequent disgusting horrors that the rest of the Ghanaian squad launched from the spot, with the final strike to our hearts being delivered in the form a crippling Panenka by some Uruguayan with long hair, whose name we prefer to forget. The match was over and so were our African dreams, shattered and slayed by a heartless group of Uruguayans in the space of just 120 minutes (plus penalties).

Though it will be impossible for us to ever truly accept and get over the loss we felt that night, we must Never, Ever, Ever Forget, and we will Never Forget…

One to watch: Ghana’s International Health Advisers

Since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, we have sought the advice of medical experts to help us navigate our way through these unprecedented times. That being said, any advice or warning that Anthony Fauci or any other medical professional have given us matters absolute shit when compared to the blunt but apt warnings that these Ghanaians have given us during these COVID times. And for that, we thank them.

The Highpoint: (See above)

Ghana have won the African Cup of Nations four times, lying third on the all-time list, behind only Egypt (7 times) and Cameroon (5), but on the world stage, nothing has ever topped 2nd of July, 2010. #NeverForget

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Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
24 Nov 2022
PORTUGAL 🇵🇹 x 🇬🇭 GHANA

28 Nov 2022
SOUTH KOREA 🇰🇷 x 🇬🇭 GHANA

2 Dec 2022
GHANA 🇬🇭 x 🇺🇾 URUGUAY

—–

FIFA WORLD CUP QLAMQTAR 2022
THIRD ROUND (AFRICA ZONE)

24-26 March, 2022
GHANA 🇬🇭 x 🇳🇬 NIGERIA

27-29 March, 2022
NIGERIA 🇳🇬 x 🇬🇭 GHANA