***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 3 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Aruba, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
ARUBA
Ranked 1st in The Beach Boys’ FIFA World Ranking
Nickname: La Selección
FIFA Ranking: 203 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (CONCACAF) group stage, finishing 4th (of 5) in group below Canada, Suriname and Bermuda
While Aruba languishes all the way down in 203rd in the FIFA World Ranking, it sits outright 1st in The Beach Boys’ FIFA World Ranking. With only eight national teams worse than it in the world according to FIFA, according to The Beach Boys, Aruba sits above all inferior subjects atop the global soccer throne.
Officially, FIFA lists Aruba as the 6th lowest ranked in CONCACAF, but The Beach Boys’ World Ranking (some say a superior system) have them at clear in 1st, ahead of Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahama [sic], non-FIFA member Martinique, Montserrat and even the United States. In fact, Aruba has maintained their position peering down at all challengers for no less than 34 years now and no amount of re-releases and digital remastering will ever knock them off their perch.
With their team’s longevity at the apex of The Beach Boys’ World Ranking, fans of Aruba-despite their side’s lowly position on the world stage and having won only five matches in World Cup qualifying history (two by forfeit)-forever maintain hope that their result in Kokomo will eventually transfer into the FIFA world soccer arena.
*Sidenote: This song by Aruban rapper Ritmo Real (fking great):
One to watch: The 1997 feasibility study of building a supertrain between Springfield and Aruba
Despite the high hopes of the Springfield townspeople, after a two-month feasibility study conducted on location in the Caribbean, according to their town’s Mayor, the construction of a supertrain from Springfield to Aruba is unfortunately not viable.
Keep an eye on this one though as we all know technology moves at lightning speed, so keep refreshing your Google Maps and who knows, train directions between the two locations may appear sooner than you think.
In any case, you’re not missing out on much if it doesn’t happen, because this type of thing happens all the time in Aruba:
The Highpoint: Winning the 2012 ABCS Cup on home soil (make no mistake, NOT the AAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBDDDEEEEEEEEEFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHIIIIIIIJJJKKKKKKKLLLLLLLLLMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNOPPPPPPPPPPQRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUVVVWYZZ Cup, other wise known as the World Cup)
The eponymous ABCS Cup is an annual football tournament featuring the national teams from Aruba, Bonaire, Curaçao and Suriname, aptly named after the event’s participating teams (differing from the AAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBDDDEEEEEEEEEFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHIIIIIIIJJJKKKKKKKLLLLLLLLLMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNOPPPPPPPPPPQRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUVVVWYZZ Cup, which is named after all its respective 211 participating national teams, often referred to as the World Cup).
In the 2012 edition, hosts Aruba went all the way to the final of the four-team tournament that includes one non-FIFA member (Bonaire), defeating Suriname 1-0 in the final. Footage of the momentous achievement is hard to come by but here’s the highlights from Aruba’s sensational first round victory over Curaçao:
Stay tuned for the 2022 event, which may or may not go ahead (it’s pretty much impossible to find this out). Gunning for their second ABCS title (or ABCC Cup as the 2021 should have been named since Curaçao’s Under-20 team took Suriname’s place in the 4-team tournament), Aruba will be hoping improved performances in these regional tournaments will help them level up in the AAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBDDDEEEEEEEEEFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHIIIIIIIJJJKKKKKKKLLLLLLLLLMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNOPPPPPPPPPPQRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUVVVWYZZ Cup, where historically they’ve only won 5 qualification matches (against Puerto Rico, Cayman Islands, Saint Lucia, and Barbados twice by forfeit).
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP QUALIFYING 2023
26 March 2022
ST KITTS AND NEVIS 🇰🇳 x 🇦🇼 ARUBA