***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 9 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Jamaica, who’ve qualified for the World Cup once, in 1998.

JAMAICA
Jamaican me think you’re never gonna qualify for a World Cup ever again

Nickname: The Reggae Boyz
FIFA Ranking: 66 (Feb 2022)

***Note: Hit play on this ting first mon, and then while ya readin’, just let it ride, irie? That way, yuh gonna have much bigger inna love for Jamaica:

Memba mi tell yu, Jamaica, watch da style ya. The Reggae Boyz, ja not making me horny. Jamaican me worry and Jamaican me think that 1998 was just a flash in a pan and a so da ting set. You dun know? Jamaican me think the World Cup is a ting that is never gonna happen again.

Y style? The Reggae Boyz keep searchin’ for a World Cup spot like they keep searchin’ for Jah, but they can’t find him. Dey in the class of Ethiopia, our homeland now, but sowah, ain’t no end in sight. Pree. Sure, they got to two straight Gold Cup finals in the last few years, but they lost dem both. KMT. Jamaica also haven’t made a World Cup in forever now and have already dropped out of qualification for Qlamqtar 2022. If a dirt, a dirt.

We all remember November 16, 1997 at The Office when the Reggae Boyz drew 0-0 with Mexico, qualifying them for France 1998 in a celebration that brought the whole country together. Differences were set aside and Jamaicans revelled in the brilliance of the Reggae Boyz. There were only 2 murders in Jamaica that day too, down from the daily average of 2.8. Seh one, perrie. Jamaicans wanted to murder each other slightly less that day. Tuff. Usually they be used to screaming “Is Seaga men! Dem come fi kill Bob!” and getting shot in the arm, but that famed day we were all brothers and couldn’t wait to see da Reggae Boyz shell em dun in France. Talk truth.

Seven months later ya shub? You bet. We got done by dem Russians, the Argentinians and Croatia, dropping us out of the tournament but then we sorted out Japan. We beat dem bad. A yasso nice! Right desso. Nah mean?

But sadly, mi genna, we’ve now been cut from 2022, and gonna have to wait at least 4 more years for another crack at the World Cup. ‘Maybe the Reggae Boyz will never be back’, I hear ya say. But heng up, deeven dups, come gwope! Just watch da style ya, because plenty more a dem boyz now be playing in the top leagues of the world, including lots in England, so be patient. They a forward. De olda de moon, de brighter it shines. In 2026 they’ll be back. They haffi deh deh pon tha eyelash. Nah aks Christ. Just take a chill pill, hol’ a medz, level, and ya never know. Everyting gona be alright. Zeen?

One to watch: The sunset while romantically sprinting along the beach

Jamaicans are a romantic bunch and there’s nothing local couples love more than going for a romantic susnet sprint along the beach, an intimate hand-in-hand dash through the local park or just hoofin’ it aimlessly around the neighbourhood at 44 km/hour as the day winds down. So if you’re in town on a romantic getaway with your boo, be sure to take a load off, kick back, let your hair down, take a leisurely sprint together along the shore and try to break the world 100m record of 9.58 seconds.

The Highpoint: Jamaican striker Usain Bolt scoring twice in Central Coast Mariners vs McArthur South West United, October 12, 2018

In 2018 on Sydney’s Central Coast, a Jamaican football player by the name of Usain Bolt made history by becoming the first Jamaican man to score in a friendly against then non-league New South Wales league side Macarthur South West United. The Jamaican striker had no prior professional football experience, however that didn’t stop him from netting a brace in only his second outing with the club. Though his performance around the ground was at times questionable, observers were less impressed by his ball skills and more by his sheer pace. Perhaps a career off the soccer pitch and on the running track would have suited him better, but really who’s to say. Guess we’ll never know.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

World Cup Qualifying | CONCACAF*
25 March 2022
JAMAICA 🇯🇲 x 🇸🇻 EL SALVADOR

27 March 2022
CANADA 🇨🇦 x 🇯🇲 JAMAICA

31 March 2022
JAMAICA 🇯🇲 x 🇭🇳 HONDURAS

*Jamaica eliminated from contention