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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | MONTSERRAT: Still reeling from losing the final on the last day of the 2002 FIFA World Cup South Korea/Japan

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 13 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Montserrat, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

Due to ever-present ash clouds making sports difficult, Montserrat’s citizens are forced to turn to alternative forms of entertainment, such as religion or learning the harp

MONTSERRAT

Still reeling from losing the final on the last day of FIFA World Cup South Korea/Japan 2002

Nickname: Emerald Boys
FIFA Ranking: 179 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

On the last day of the FIFA World Cup South Korea/Japan 2002, the final took place, between the two lowest ranked teams in the world at the time, Montserrat and Bhutan. The Emerald Boys journeyed to their final on the day of the world’s biggest sporting event in Thumphu, Bhutan, in a state of disarray, with their national team coach being dismissed only days prior to the biggest game in the team’s history. And then ultimate disaster would then strike the team as they would go on to lose the final 4-0, officially resigning them to not only being losing finalists on FIFA World Cup Final day but, also as is customary for losing World Cup finalists, dropping them instantly to last in the FIFA Rankings (#203). The match was hosted by the phlegmatic and peaceful Bhutanese in the spirit of peace, harmony and cooperation, and in this match there were no losers. Except for Montserrat, who lost, big time, by four goals to be exact. Woof.

One to watch: Really anything would be great

This is the only goddamn thing Montserrat’s soccer players can see when trying to play a soccer match

The Montserrat national football team have never climbed above #165 in the FIFA World Rankings, and many put it down to the volcanic ash that’s stubbornly remained in the eyes of its national team players ever since its first attempt at World Cup qualification for South Korea/Japan 2002. The seismic sediment that has been ejected from Montserrat’s Soufriére Hills volcano throughout the last 20 years is kicked up by rain, ends up in players’ eyes, and then forces them to stop every few minutes just to wash them out. The stinging the ash causes is not only unbearable for players but also makes scoring goals, defending or even seeing where the freaking ball is extremely difficult.

Brighter days may be ahead though as fans of the Emerald Boys are hoping that with no eruptions in almost 10 years now, the residual ash that remains on the ground and in players’ eyes will soon be so negligible that the Emerald Boys can finally see what they’re doing, or at least where the goddamn ball is.

The highpoint: 2 points shy of a spot in the second round playoff, CONCACAF qualifying, World Cup 2022

To advance to the second round, all Montserrat needed to do in this World Cup 2022 qualifier against El Salvador was win 4-0

Crazy. Crazy. If Montserrat has just pulled off a win against Antigua and Barbuda and not been held to a 2-2 draw (and scored another 5 or 6 extra goals as well)it would have been them and not El Salvador in a playoff for a spot in final octagonal qualifying round. So close. In the space of twenty years they went from the world’s worst team, to its second worst (see above), to on the verge of the verge of having a shot at mixing it with the region’s best for a World Cup place. Insane, Montserrat, insane.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Montserrat is the only country apart from Ireland to have a public holiday for St Patrick’s Day

Upcoming matches
None for now, but maybe as soon as they wash the ash out of their eyes