***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 4 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at the Dominican Republic, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
See “DOMINICAN REPUBLIC NATIONAL BASEBALL TEAM”

Nickname: Los Quisqueyanos
FIFA Ranking: 151 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (CONCACAF) group stage, finishing below Panama

The Dominican Republic have not only never qualified for a World Cup, but they haven’t even reached a CONCACAF Gold Cup. And it’s all because of baseball.

With the second-largest contingent of players in MLB (behind the United States), the Dominican Republic pretty much couldn’t give a shit about soccer. It’s baseball that diverts any sporting talent away from the sport, making the national soccer team pretty shitty, at least when you compare it with its neighbours. If you want to know more about why the Dominican Republic national soccer team stinks so bad, click on the image below or head to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominican_Republic_national_baseball_team

It’s really no wonder that no one wants to play soccer in the Dominican Republic. I mean, why would you when you grew up watching the MLB, imagining that, one day, you too could be the next David Ortiz bringing home the Boston Red Sox their first World Series trophy in a thousand years, Alex Rodriguez dating J-Lo, shitting all over the MLB’s anti-doping policy and still becoming so rich you’re shitting money, Albert Pujols batting about .500 and slugging it into the parking lot every single time at bat, or Adrian Beltre winning five Gold Gloves, hitting almost 500 homers and just fucking around constantly and totally fucking with everyone out there on the ball field any chance you get?

One to watch: That you get real Cubans-not Dominicans-if you’re making crepes

If you happen to ship some Cubans (people) over to you in a business venture to roll your own cigars and then find out they’re actually Dominicans at which point your investors back out so you fire them and they then revolt against you, you’re gonna wanna watch that in order to placate them you don’t just give them any job willy-nilly, especially not one that involves rolling thin pancakes with boiling hot fillings for paying customers, or else… DEBACLE. ABSOLUTE DEBACLE.

The Highpoint: Next year and the year after that

In 2023, and for the first time in its history, the Dominican Republic will take part in an official FIFA tournament, qualifying for the 2023 Under-20 World Cup in Indonesia after reaching the final and finishing as runners-up in the 2022 Under-20 CONCACAF Championship. The achievement also booked their place at the national team’s first ever Olympics, in which it will compete at in Paris in 2024. It’s taken until 2022, 44 years since its first attempt to do it, which begs the question: what took so long?

Is the Dominican Republic’s recent surge down to the country’s young athletes finally realizing that the only interesting thing about baseball is the Postseason, and everything else about the game is boring as shit? Perhaps it’s because Dominicans are all Padres fans and they’ve come to realize that they’re actually never even gonna challenge for a pennant, even with Juan Soto on deck? Or maybe it’s because of the MLB’s recent proposal for a seemingly inevitable International Draft, which will lead to even greater exploitation of young Dominican talent and cripple the game domestically? Perhaps all three reasons are to thank, so when you’re checking out the national soccer team next year in the U-20 World Cup and at the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad, be sure to thank all three reasons! ALL THREE REASONS! ALL THREE REASONS! ALL THREE REASONS… GOOOOOO DOMINICAN REPUBLIC!!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

BULLSHIT FRIENDLY
22 September 2022
PUERTO RICO 🇵🇷 x 🇩🇴 DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP 2023 QUALIFYING
24 March
FRENCH GUIANA 🇬🇫 x 🇩🇴 DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

27 March 2022
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC 🇩🇴 x 🇧🇿 BELIZE

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