***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOSFROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at St Kitts & Nevis, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

ST. KITTS AND NEVIS
They keep throwin’ away their SHOT, oh yeah, they keep throwin’ away their SHOT

Nickname: The Sugar Boyz
FIFA Ranking: 138 (Nov 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

(Hit play and read on for a bit…)

The birthplace of Alexander Hamilton, this east Caribbean island nation is much like the upstart who became one of the founding fathers of USA: young, scrappy and hungry. But where the similarity ends is in the fact that the St Kitts and Nevis national soccer team actually keep throwin’ away their shot. Having failed to ever get close to qualifying for a World Cup, they also threw away their best shot in qualifying for 2022, when they threw away their shot, and how, when they lost 6-0 on aggregate to El Salvador in the CONCACAF playoff stage for progression to the final octagonal round. Yes, they did throw away their SHOT, oh yes, they did throw away their SHOT. Twice in fact….

Okay, so pause that… Now here we go… Hit play on the following video now and read on…

It’s only 6 years ago, just over 6 years to the day
when everyone was inquiring, questioning, speechless with nothing else to say
Only ask…

How does a hopeless, ragtag bunch of nobodies from the Caribbean
dropped in the middle of territory European
without a clue, not a prayer, used to copping it on the chin
score a 9th minute goal, hold on and leave Andorra with the win?

Nov 12, 2015 was the date
from which the Sugar Boyz would forever remain
to becoming the first ever
Caribbean nation to claim victory upon the European domain

They climbed to a high of 73 in the rankings upon that monumental date
but they’ve now fallen way way down to 138
but just you wait… just you wait…

For now, there’s nothing come in the air, the St Kitts and Nevis schedule is bare
But if there’s a Carribean team getting destroyed
On a field where the sport of soccer’s being deployed
Safe to say the Sugar Boyz should be there

And there’s a million matches to played
and a couple decent shot attempts to be made
Thousands of goals to concede
and our FIFA ranking to recede
but don’t you fret, don’t get out of joint
because 2026’s just round the corner
and the Sugar Boyz are sure damn ready to shock or disappoint

So just you wait… just you wait…

One to watch: Any goat you see

Nawwww so cute right! One of the islands’ signature culinary treats is known as goat water stew, made from goat milk and goat neck bones and goat knee bones and goat hooves and goat teeth and goat eyelashes and goat souls and all goat internal organs and whatever else there is left of goat. So if you see one of these lovable scamps around, make the most of it, snap a picture with it, maybe even give it a hug, because you’ll probably gorging on its entire anatomy later on for dinner.

The highpoint: Second round CONCACAF playoffs, World Cup 2022 qualifying

It had a shot, but as usual, St Kitts and Nevis did throw away its shot, losing to El Salvador 6-0 on aggregate after an impressive first round where it topped a group consisting of Trinidad and Tobago. SHOT!

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Upcoming matches

What it’s already done, and the matches its played, are enough…