***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about three moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at British Virgin Islands, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS
The original team Andre Villas-Boas bailed on and left high and dry

Nickname: The Nature Boyz
FIFA Ranking: 130 (June 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round (CONCACAF) group stage, finishing bottom of group behind Curaçao, Guatemala, Cuba and Saint Vincent and Grenadines

No one in world soccer has more promise as a manager than 44 year old Portuguese manager Andre Villas-Boas. By the same token, no one in world soccer cuts and runs quite like 44 year old Portuguese manager Andre-Villas Boas.

The former boss of several marquee European clubs (including Chelsea, Tottenham and Olympique Marseille), Villas-Boas started his managerial career with the British Virgin Islands, becoming the national team’s technical director (and basically its manager) in 2000. A fat lot of good it did though, because in typical Villas-Boas (Judas) fashion, it wasn’t long before he ditched their asses, and what’s more, twenty years later, the team is now far worse off than before.

After being handed the keys as a 21-year-old, Villas-Boas did at least imprint his professionalism upon the Nature Boyz, with several of his former players to this day still recalling how he revolutionised the national’s team approach on and off the field. The problem was that although he brought an unheard level of expertise to the squad, they got slaughtered 14-1 on aggregate by Bermuda in the first round of CONCACAF qualifying for the 2002 World Cup and Villas-Boas quickly thought Fuck this shit I’m out of here. And out of here he was.

If Villas-Boas even had one decent bone in his body he would still be at the wheel of British Virgin Islands national team, but loyalty is not a word in his vocabulary, and as soon as he got another offer in 2001, he slid out of there like the snake he is, never to slither his scheming way back.

One to watch: The landscape of Virgin Gorda island from afar, to see if you’re also a skeez like Christopher Columbus

Question: Do you think the image above looks like an obese virgin lying on her side?

If you answered yes, congratulations, you’re just as much as sick fuck as Christopher Columbus after he spotted the island at a distance and gave the island its name, Virgin Gorda, because in his twisted, fucked up head it looked like an obese, obstinate woman. Not a pile a rocks with smatterings of lichen and barnacles, but a fat virgin apparently. Good one, Columbus, wanker. You’ve done it again. Fucking cockhead.

The Highpoint: Being the only undefeated team in the 2010 World Cup

There was only one team in the whole 884-match qualifying and finals process that went undefeated. Yep, you’re smarter than you look, because that’s right, it was British Virgin Islands. Going down to Bahamas 3-3 on aggregate after draws in both legs, they bowed out of qualifying in the first round, undefeated. As qualifying progressed and concluded, they remained the only undefeated team in qualifying and although New Zealand was the only team at the 2010 World Cup Finals to go undefeated, they did lose a match in qualifying, and Spain, who ultimately lifted the trophy in South Africa lost a match in the group stage to Switzerland.

So to that end, that kind of makes British Virgin Islands the 2010 WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS. Suck on that, Spain.

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Upcoming matches

CONCACAF NATIONS LEAGUE & CONCACAF GOLD CUP 2023 QUALIFYING
23 March 2022
BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS 🇻🇬 x 🇵🇷 PUERTO RICO