***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about three moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Dominica, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

DOMINICA
No, not the Dominican Republic. Eww, yuck.

Nickname: Los Pericos
FIFA Ranking: 185 (Aug 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from first round group stage (CONCACAF), finishing 4th behind Panama, Dominican Republic and Barbados

The nation of Dominica is a tiny Caribbean nation of 71,000 people that is blessed with a diverse natural environment, white sandy beaches, friendly locals and most importantly, it is not the Dominican Republic. Yuck, don’t even think for a second that it is.

Okay, so Dominica is 64 times smaller, has 147 times smaller a population, has a much weaker passport, not to mention a much weaker national team that is ranked significantly lower in the FIFA rankings, but don’t you dare say that Dominicans are the same as Dominicans. They’re Dominicans, okay (pronounced ‘do-me-NEE-k_nz)? Not Dominicans (pronounced ‘do-ME-ni-k_nz]. You got that?

The Dominicans-the good ones, not the icky ones-have had limited success in international soccer, partly due to cricket being its national sport and partly due to the limited resources and talent pool it is forced to try put a competitive team together with. And it has nothing to do with the Dominicans-the gross kind-whom although somewhat more of a force on the international stage are, let’s be honest, pretty miserable. But that’s not the Dominicans’ (the good ones) problem, because, okay, yeah, they can’t play soccer that well, they frequently go down to the Dominicans (the gross ones)-including in World Cup 2022 qualifying-and they play cricket, whereas the Dominican Republic play baseball (the American cricket, which is not that similar, but just as boring). But it’s of great consolation that when Dominica goes home at night after another pummeling in World Cup qualifying, at least when they lie down in their beds, they can rest their heads contently in the knowledge that they are Dominicans and not Dominicans.

One to watch: These Phil DeFreitas highlights

If not just to hear Richie Benaud commentating again-the doyen of everything fucking great-feast your eyes on this devastating spell by Dominican Phil DeFreitas playing for the, uhh, superior-in-some-ways-I-guess England and picking up eight wickets in a defeat to the West Indies in the fourth test at Edgbaston in 1991. This is what Dominican sport in the Caribbean is all about, standing out occasionally amongst a group of duds, playing for England against the team that represents the Caribbean including the Windward Islands which is where Dominica lies.

Plus, while we’re on the subject of dominant performances at the cricket, at 6:15, you can’t miss Richie Benaud with another one of his master observations.

The Highpoint: Defeating British Virgin Islands 10-0

Milestone results have been few and far between for the Dominican national team. The side’s never qualified even to the final round of qualifying phase for the World Cup, the CONCACAF Gold Cup and did not even reach the finals of the now-defunct Caribbean Cup from 1998 until its demise in 2017. But if you consider double digit victories over one of the worst five teams in the world a milestone, well, in that case: DOMINICA HAVE DONE IT!!

However, if you believe 10-0 defeats to CONCACAF’s best team to be of major significance as well, um, then don’t worry about it.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

CONCACAF Nations League & CONCACAF Gold Cup 2023 Qualifying
27 March 2023
SAINT LUCIA 🇱🇨 x 🇩🇲 DOMINICA