***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Uganda, which first entered qualifying in 1987 and are yet to qualify for their first ever world cup.
UGANDA
Deadly in front of the target, taking no prisoners, motive: unknown
Nickname: The Cranes
FIFA Ranking: 82 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from 1st round (CAF), finishing 2nd behind Mali
The Ugandans. ranked 84th in FIFA’s World Rankings, are confident of coming out of a group that includes Mali (#50 in FIFA Rankings), Rwanda (#127) and Kenya (#104) in Group E. But this has nothing to do with their actual technical ability. The Cranes possess the ability to strike opponents when they least suspect, with no apparent motivation and often in the middle of the night. Starting off their campaign with two goalless draws, most disappointingly at home to Mali, has left them with a lot of work to do. But fortunately it’s in the homes of others where Ugandans are most deadly, and they will hoping that their recent experience in assaulting opponents when they least suspect, often while asleep and without any apparent motivation will be enough for them to advance to the final round of African qualifying.
One to watch: The police
If the Ugandans are going to do any damage in the months leading up to the World Cup finals in Qatar, someone’s going to need to keep an eye out for the police. These guys are notorious at thwarting typically brutal Ugandan attacks and are the only hope of defence against the ruthless Ugandan attack.
The Highpoint: 2nd in qualifying group stage/runners-up, 1978 African Cup of Nations
Uganda have fallen short in every attempt to qualify for the World Cup (most recently in World Cup 2018 qualifying behind first-placed Egypt, and in World Cup 2022 qualifying just behind Mali for the playoff spot), but in 1978 they managed to reach the final of the Africa Cup of Nations, losing 2-0 to Ghana. Would you believe it? Uganda could’ve been champions of Africa. Uganda!
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Upcoming matches
World Cup Qualifying | Africa | Second Round (Group E)
Oct 6
RWANDA 🇷🇼 x 🇺🇬 UGANDA
Oct 10
UGANDA 🇺🇬 x 🇷🇼 RWANDA
Nov 11
UGANDA 🇺🇬 x 🇰🇪 KENYA
Nov 14
MALI 🇲🇱 x 🇺🇬 UGANDA