***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at 5-time African champions Cameroon, who’ve qualified for the World Cup on seven occasions.

CAMEROON
Lost its wiggle

Nickname: The Indomitable Lions
FIFA Ranking: 50 (Dec 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Qualified

Cameroon’s Indomitable Lions first waltzed their way into the World Cup in 1982, not losing a match (including draws against eventual third place winners Poland and winners Italy), and after Roger Milla’s dancing feet helped the team defeat defending champions Argentina and reach the quarter finals at Italia 90, you’d think the team would’ve danced the years away and become a consistent force to be reckoned with on the international stage. Yeah but nah. Since that remarkable 1990 run, Cameroon–despite qualifying for 5 World Cups–have had jack all to boogie about, having won but the one solitary match at soccer’s greatest event (and that was against Saudi Arabia, 1-0 in 2002). While Roger Milla’s dancing performance stole the show in 1990, it’s not the only thing he did, because he also played soccer. Since those days however, the Cameroon national team has neglected their dancing and it’s unclear as to whether their recent lack of dancing at the World Cup Finals is the result or the reason for the team’s ineptitude on the park.

One to watch: Roger Milla’s hips (NSFW)

You know what they say about a man who can dance by the corner flag? If it hadn’t been for a debacle in the 1990 AFCON, the then 38-year-old, retired-from-internationals Roger Milla wouldn’t have got the call-up, and we may never have seen the toe-curling gyrations of Roger Milla at Italia 90. And boy are we blessed, thank you thank you thank you, the Kenya, Senegal and Zambia 1990 AFCON national teams for fucking up Cameroon’s effort at 1990 AFCON, which lead to Roger Milla’s desperate World Cup call-up.

The Highpoint: Quarter-Finalists at FIFA World Cup Italia 1990 (ie. a long fucking time ago)

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
24 Nov 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇨🇭 SWITZERLAND

28 Nov 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇷🇸 SERBIA

2 Dec 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇧🇷 BRAZIL

—–

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Jan 9, 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇧🇫 BURKINA FASO

Jan 13, 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇪🇹 ETHIOPIA

Jan 17, 2022
CAPE VERDE 🇨🇻 x 🇨🇲 CAMEROON

FIFA WORLD CUP QLAMQTAR 2022 | QUALIFYING (AFRICA) | THIRD ROUND PLAYOFFS
Mar 21-29, 2022
TBD