***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Rwanda, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
RWANDA
COME ON ARSENAL! COME ON ARSENAL! COME ON ARSENAL!
Nickname: Amavubi (The Wasps)
FIFA Ranking: 136 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (CAF), finishing behind Mali, Uganda and Kenya
Rwanda’s number one team, Arsenal Football Club have never qualified for a World Cup. The pride of the nation has made great strides in international football over the last 25 years following the Rwandan genocide, yet despite several promising results and a few good years, things have now stagnated and Rwandan fans can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel for their beloved Gunners.
The disappointing string of results for the pride of Rwanda have lead the team’s biggest fans to voice their disgust and call for upheaval on and off the pitch. Among them, president Paul Kagame has repeatedly lashed out at Rwanda’s team, and after they fell to a shock loss in 2021 he said, ‘We just must NOT excuse or Accept mediocrity,” he said. “I am sure we all know on whose shoulders the heaviest burden rests. I hope they know too or even accept it!!!’
Despite their team’s recent drought, Rwanda’s team of choice have occasionally played to their full potential and claimed the odd impressive victory, such as, most notably in 2003/2004, when their golden generation were the talk of the world after managed a feat not previously witnessed in the world of soccer. Those were heady days, and it showed what Rwanda’s team are capable of, and with open dialogue, inspiring ideas and illegible tweets projected up on screen during hour-long studio discussions about the redemption of their team (see below), the #1 team of Rwanda may soon be buzzing yet again.
One to watch: C’monnnnnn!… Be the 398th person to watch this?
Will the Rwandan national team ever sting again? Who will redeem the Amavubi glory days (sic)? Will they stop ‘killing young kids’ talents and dreams for💰’? Is it humanly possible to read the tweet that’s projected on the big screen and read out by host Athan Tashobya at 33:00? Is Amavubi midfielder Butera Andrew pro or anti-witchcraft in football, and was the reason he missed a trip with the national team due to being bewitched and poisoned or was he really just ‘sick’ (at 46:00)? Where can we ask the ‘many more questions to be answered and many more questions to be asked’ that Tashobya teases us with in the close? Well, don’t panic my disenchanted comrade because all your questions will put to bed in this hour-long discussion on the state of the Wasps, Rwanda’s national soccer team. So sit back, relax, grab a cup of traditional Urawgwa (Rwandan banana beer) and enjoy!
The Highpoint: The 2003/2004 Vincibles
The performance of Rwanda’s much loved team in 2003/2004 is without a doubt the greatest in its history. The team swept away all challengers in its glorious march into the record books, achieving remarkable feats all its predecessors could only dream of. To this day, soccer fans far and wide still talk about that 2003/2004 Vincibles team, and they’ll continue to do so for years to come.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
AFRICA CUP OF NATIONS 2023 IVORY COAST | GROUP STAGE
3 JUNE 2022
MOZAMBIQUE 🇲🇿 x 🇷🇼 RWANDA
7 JUNE 2022
RWANDA 🇷🇼 x 🇸🇳 SENEGAL
19 SEP 2022
BENIN 🇧🇯 x 🇷🇼 RWANDA