***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 9 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Venezuela, ranked 10th in the world rankings of international baseball.
VENEZUELA
Stuck doing stupid soccer because it got cut from the baseball team
Nickname: La Vinotinto
FIFA Ranking: 58 (Feb 2022)
Since the early 1900s, the Venezuelan national football team has been working its ass off to try make coach’s national baseball team, but time and time again it keeps getting cut from the squad. This endless heartbreak has forced the team to swallow its pride and take up other pursuits, such as trying to win Venezuela another Miss Universe contest, or soccer.
Soccer has always been Venezuela’s safety sport and whether in World Cup qualifying or in the Copa America, it definitely shows. While Venezuela’s national football team has an average ERA of under 4.00 and a hitting average that consistently hovers around the .300 mark, when it comes to actually playing association football, it’s starkly evident its players just do not want to be there. Every time Venezuela steps on the soccer pitch, it’s steamrolled by its far more illustrious South American foes, because instead of playing dumb soccer, all Venezuela wants to do is be at the ballpark, in leftfield taking sick catches off line drives or flyballs, hurling it into home to nail a guy just short of the plate or rounding third while the third base coach waves them in for a inside-the-park, walk-off home run. It could give a shit about kicking or heading balls into a net or winning the Worlds Cup or whatever the fuck it’s called. The only reason it’s doing this dumb thing is that mum said it has to try another sport after getting cut from baseball over and over.
La Vinotinto just has never really gotten into this soccer thing, and its performances over the years have been expectedly lacklustre. With its dismal body language and disinterested attitude Venezuela is the only South American nation never to qualify for a World Cup, with its players competing in the qualifiers always making it abundantly clear that they do not give a fuck and would just prefer to be at the ballpark. And while it has managed to fluke a few results here and there–even defeating Brazil in a friendly and Argentina in a 2014 World Cup qualifier–who gives a shit, because next time baseball tryouts roll around, Venezuela is outie, and its done with this soccer shit. Despite the constant cuts, Venezuela swears it’s going to keep trying to make the ball team until they it kills them. And just watch, the second it does, it’s gonna finally kick this bullshitass soccer crap to the kerb once and for all.
One to watch: The three-toed sloth
Found throughout Venezuela’s forests, three-toed sloths are the slowest of any mammal, moving on the ground at about a speed of 2 metres/minutes. They do little other than eating, resting or sleeping and have evolved a super metabolism that means they sometimes go weeks without defecating. But it’s not that they don’t do anything at all, it’s just you’ve gotta be patient. Be patient k….
Keep watchinnnn….. Any moment now….. he’s gonna do somethin… wait, he’s MOVING!!!! No… wait, no false alarm, he’s just stretching…. WAIT! LOOK he’s about to do somethinggggg…… oh okay, guess not… Yes HE IS!!!… He’s doin somethingggggg…. Oh, okay, so he just picked off some algae off his back and ate it…. alright. okay, sweet.
WAIT, HE’S MOVING… HE’S COMING DOWN THE TREE…. watch him …watch him… WATCH HIM…. he’s coming down the tree…. still coming… still coming
<<<skip forward 65 minutes>>>
He’s DOWN!!! OH MY GOD HE’S DOWN… NOW WHAT’S HE GONNA DO?!!?
Oh.
So he just took a shit and now he’s on way back up the tree. He came down just to take a shit. Ok. Well, anyway that’s still cool. Keep watching him, ’cause you never know what’s next!!
The Highpoint: Winners of the 2021 U-23 World Cup of Baseball
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WORLD CUP QUALIFYING | CONMEBOL*
March 24, 2022
ARGENTINA 🇦🇷 x 🇻🇪 VENEZUELA
March 29, 2022
VENEZUELA 🇻🇪 x 🇨🇴 COLOMBIA