Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | CHILE: If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and cut yourself mid-game with a razorblade you hid in your socks (or accuse the opposition of fielding an ineligible player)
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Qlamqtar 2022 FIFA World Cup | Profile | CHILE: If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and cut yourself mid-game with a razorblade you hid in your socks (or accuse the opposition of fielding an ineligible player)

***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is under one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Chile, which has qualified for the World Cup on nine occasions.

Chile argues that it has documents proving its flag is actually Texan

CHILE
If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and cut yourself mid-game with a razorblade you hid in your socks (or accuse the opposition of fielding an ineligible player)

Chile’s gameplan in full-swing in World Cup 1990 qualifying against Brazil

Nickname: La Roja
FIFA Ranking: 130 (August 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

Chile has successfully qualified for nine World Cups, even reaching the semi-finals on home soil in 1962, but even when they don’t make it, it always has a plan B–either hide a razor blade in its gloves and cut itself to pretend it’s been hit by a flare thrown onto the pitch by an opposition fan or simply accuse the team that qualified ahead of you of fielding an ineligible player. Easy.

Who needs a gameplan, tactics and strategy when you can just cut yourself with a razor blade in the hope of being awarded the three points and a resultant World Cup berth

Most teams go the conventional route when trying to qualify for the World Cup. i.e., attempting to score more goals than the opposition and trying to finish in the qualifying places in its group. And when they fall behind or are struglling in the standings, they normally go the path of managerial changes, line-up rotations or tactical adjustments. Two-time Copa America champion Chile, however, favours a different route.

When Chile fails to qualify or its chances are looking dire, it employs one of two unconventional gameplans: 1) orchestrating a pre-meditated ruse where its goalkeeper slashes his face with a razor blade and pretends to have been hit by a projectile, followed by its team refusing to play-on in the hope that it is awarded the three points as a walkover or that a replay’s arranged on neutral ground (a tactic it pioneered), or 2) whinging that one of its rivals that qualified successfully (that it also got destroyed by) fielded an ineligible player (even though he was naturalised legitimately and Chile’s own qualifying campaign was a pile of garbage), an approach that many South American and African nations have leaned towards over the years.

While Chile couldn’t stop Byron Castillo and Ecuador on the field, it put in a much more impressive effort off it (one initial hearing and two appeals)

Aside from its plan Bs that seem promising at first but ultimately result in abject failure, suspensions from an entire World Cup qualifying campaign (1994), massive fines or life bans for its goalkeepers, Chile has the other massive problem known simply as “Brazil”, to whom its lost and been eliminated by at four of its nine trips to the World Cup.

Even when it does qualify for the World Cup the old-fashioned way, Chile is required to play and lose to Brazil at every edition

Apart from its one trip to the semi-finals as host in 1962, La Roja has struggled to leave any significant mark on the World Cup. Chile has however got out of its group at its last three trips to the tournament, only to encounter Brazil and lose to them on every occasion, in 1998, 2010 and 2014.

Despite having failed to qualify for the World Cup twice in a row now, as the old Chilean saying goes, ‘It’s not over till you accuse your opponents of fielding ineligible players and then get appeal after appeal rejected or you slash your face open with a razor blade, and with your face covered in blood you pretend you got hit by a flare thrown by rival supporters.’

Chile have heard this song before but they only remember the first half of the first line of the chorus

One to watch: Your next hot new look (courtesy of Chile’s fast fashion graveyard)

Are you sick and tired of your clothes? Have you just got NOTHING to wear? Well, don’t freak out, just head on down to Chile’s Atacama Desert and pick out your new hot new look for this season! Over 59,000 tonnes of unsold clothing arrives in Chile from the US and Europe every year (up to 40% of it getting dumped), and the items that are non-biodegradable and contain chemical products (making them unsuitable for recycling) end up in this death valley of fast fashion. While this is a huge loss for the environment, it’s a massive win for YOU, as you’re bound to scoop up a sizzling new look that’ll turn heads and make all your friends jealous (that is if it the most sizzling looks haven’t been scavenged by opportunist Venezuelan refugees who look for clothes they can wear or any they can sell).

The Highpoint: Third place, 1962 World Cup

Chile was awarded the hosting rights of the 1962 World Cup on the back of its ‘Because we have nothing, we want to do it all’ slogan (in opposition to its main rival Argentina’s ‘We have it all’ campaign) and it rode that mentality not only off the pitch, but also on it, defeating Switzerland and Italy (in ‘The Battle of Santiago‘) in the group stage and the Soviet Union in the quarter finals, before, as usual, succumbing 4-2 to the Brazilians in the semi-finals who, as is legally required by FIFA, knocked them out.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

You might want to avoid this game and just stick to chicken fighting or seeing who can hold their breath the longest when at San Alfonso Del Mar, South America’s largest swimming pool

Upcoming matches

BULLSHIT FRIENDLIES
16 Nov 2022
POLAND 🇵🇱 x 🇨🇱 CHILE

20 Nov 2022

SLOVAKIA 🇸🇰 x 🇨🇱 CHILE

By: DavePosted on