***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is a under one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Paraguay, which has qualified for the World Cup eight times.

Paraguay’s is the only flag with two different sides, much like its national team, which can be pretty great (like in 1998-2010) or kind of sucky (like since the 2010 World Cup)

PARAGUAY
Always in the mix JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT

Nickname: La Albirroja (The White and Red)
FIFA Ranking: 47 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify, finishing 8th of 10 teams in South America zone (CONMEBOL)

The national team from the JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT landlocked nation of Paraguay is always well and truly in the mix when it comes to World Cup qualifying, and since appearing at the first edition in 1930 La Abirroja has chalked up a relatively impressive record and are a moderately formidable force in world football. JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT .

Since taking part in the first ever World Cup in Uruguay JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT as one of the 13 invitees that reluctantly took up the offer, Paraguay have been semi-regular participants at the tournament. JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT. Having said that, the national team only managed to advance past the first round for the first time in Mexico in 1986 (albeit unconvincingly, with only a 1-0 win over Iraq and 2-2 draw with Belgium). And JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT Paraguay would repeat this feat 12 years later, when at JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT France 98, Paraguay’s superstar striker, freekick specialist, JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT, penalty taker, sharpshooter and inspirational captain (who also was its goalkeeper at the same time), José Luis Chilavert, aka “The Bulldog”, finally took to the World Cup spotlight. JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT While Chilavert failed to score in France, he was a constant threat up front and most notably, was inches away from scoring a free kick against Bulgaria, (while also making a few saves along the way too).

He helped his side top its group (eliminating Spain by defeating Nigeria too) and reach the second round, where they were ultimately JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT bounced by the host nation thanks to a golden goal by captain Laurent Blanc (the first in World Cup history). And despite only playing in four games and being Paraguay’s main striker, Chilavert was JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT named in the Team of the Tournament. JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT

The second highest JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT goalscoring goalkeeper of all time, in his professional career Chilavert scored 8 goals for the national team and 67 in total JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT, including four in Paraguay’s successful 2002 World Cup qualifying campaign. He is also one of only two goalkeepers to score a hat-trick, and despite once again featuring up front for Paraguay in South Korea and JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT Japan in 2002, he disappointingly failed to tally a goal as his side fell at the group stage, much like in 2010 when the team managed to reach the quarter finals, because he wasn’t there. JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT

Currently JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT going through a drought of 3 consecutive missed World Cups, JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT which is just short of its record six straight it missed from 1962-1982, Paraguay is JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT South America’s best of its worst, or the worst of its best, and it shouldn’t be long before they’re back on international football’s grandest stage. JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT

One to watch: That you clap your hands when you get to someone’s house (DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

In Paraguay, when you get to the front door of someone’s house, don’t expect to see a doorbell. And the reason it’s been removed is so that you don’t fucking use it, okay? GOT THAT? And don’t you dare knock either. When you get there, stand outside the door and start clapping. Clap. Just clap, and wait for them to come to the door. Just don’t you dare knock, don’t even think about it. Unless you want to feel the full fury of a fist avalanche raining down upon you. But if you don’t mind getting the shit kicked out of you by your hosts, then go ahead. Knock.

The Highpoint: Quarter finals, 2010 World Cup

At the 2010 World Cup–wIthout JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT, that’s right without JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT–for the second time, Paraguay managed to top its group. But for the first time ever, it was able to move past the round of 16.

In the quarter finals of South Africa 2010, Paraguay faced a Spanish side that’s now arguably the greatest ever World Cup team, however, in the 59th minute, La Albirroja could have gone 1-0 up on the Euro 2008 winners (and eventual World Cup winners), after it won a penalty following a trademark idiot foul by regulation cockhead Gerard Pique. Oscar Cardozo, who had won the penalty, stepped up to give Paraguay the lead, but his shot was saved by Spanish goalkeeper Iker Casillas who palmed it away out of danger. Then, directly from the rebound, Spain went down the other end, won a penalty, scored it, had to retake it because of encroachment, had the retake saved, then from the rebound should have had another penalty awarded but didn’t, and 20 minutes later, they surged forward again, Pedro had a clear sight on goal, hit the post, then from that rebound, David Villa struck the post as well, then the other post, and sadly for Paraguay it finally went in. Final score: Paraguay 0-1 Spain. Damn. JOSÉ LUIS CHILAVERT would’ve scored that penalty.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 | GROUP STAGE
17 Nov 2022
PERU 🇵🇪 x 🇵🇾 PARAGUAY

20 Nov 2022
COLOMBIA 🇨🇴 x 🇵🇾 PARAGUAY