***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is a little over one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Romania, which has qualified for the World Cup on seven occasions.

ROMANIA
Bleaching your hair is bad

Nickname: Tricolorii (The Tricolours)
FIFA Ranking: 53 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify, finishing 3rd in group behind Germany and North Macedonia, and above Armenia, Iceland and Liechtenstein

Don’t bleach your hair. Don’t do it, it ruins everything, just look at Romania. Just don’t. It might seem like a good idea at the time–making a pact among your team to die your hair blonde if you qualify from the group stage of the World Cup–but it’s really not. You’ll never be the same again, and that’s exactly what happened to Romania’s national football team.

One of the three European nations who took part in the original World Cup in 1930, historically Romania were once always a threat at the World Cup, having made the round of 16 three times and even reaching the quarter-finals at USA 94. As usual, Romania looked a formidable outfit coming into the 1998 World Cup, and in its opener it defeated England 2-1, before topping Colombia 1-0, in the process booking its place in the second round. This would be the last time it ever won a World Cup match however, and the last ever time an entire team bleached its hair to honour a pre-tournament pact.

Bleached blonde and looking dumb as hell, in its final group game, a lifeless Romania underwhelmed and only just pulled out a 1-1 draw against Tunisia, before lamely succumbing 1-0 to a rampaging Croatia in the round of 16, decided by a twice-taken penalty by tournament top scorer Davor Šuker. Bang. Just like that. All those years, 68 to be precise (since its debut at the first ever World Cup) all undone by a stupid decision to go blonde.

Romania will never bleach its hair again again, and nor should you. Once a regular at the World Cup, and almost a fixture in the second round at every trip, Romania went and blew it all by bleaching its hair. It’s never looked the same again, and not only has it not won a World Cup game since then, it hasn’t been back to the tournament in that time either. Don’t bleach your hair. Just don’t.

One to watch: Vlad the Impaler

Believed to be the inspiration for Bram Stroker’s Dracula, Vlad the Impaler became notorious in Romania’s Walachia region and indeed across the Ottoman Empire for brutally impaling on stakes anyone who challenged or threatened his leadership, and then leaving them out to die. Not only that, but he also didn’t mind skinning victims, or boiling, decapitating, blinding, strangling, hanging, burning, roasting, hacking, nailing, or burying them alive or cutting off their noses, ears, sexual organs and limbs either. So if you happen to be out in the southern swathe of Romania, just keep an eye out, because if this guy’s anything like Dracula and is immortal, you’re gonna wanna stay sharp, especially if you harbour any ambition of ascending to the apex of the voivodate of Wallachia.

The Highpoint: Quarter finals, USA 1994

At the 1994 World Cup, folks thought Romania could have beaten anyone, and they kind of did, beating Colombia 1-0, the USA and the then-defending World Champions Argentina 3-2. But if Sweden is included in the ‘anyone’ category, then folks were way off, as Romania reached the quarter finals and pushed the Swedes all the way, but ended up falling on penalties. What a shame, I know I speak to everyone when I say we’d have preferred Romania there instead of lame Sweden.

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ROMANIA 🇷🇴 x 🇸🇮 SLOVENIA

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