***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is a little over one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Moldova, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

MOLDOVA
“Okay Romania, we’re ready to be reunified now, please”

Nickname: Selectionata
FIFA Ranking: 177 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Denmark, Scotland, Israel, Austria, Faroe Islands

The national team representing the tiny landlocked nation of Moldova has not only never reached even a playoff for a World Cup spot, it also has never finished above second last in its qualifying group, since its first attempt in qualifying for the 1998 World Cup. That, among other reasons, is exactly why Moldova is ready to be reunited with Romania now please. Thank you.

In 1940, Romania ceded Moldova (then encompassing Bessarabia and Northern Bukovina) to the Soviet Union as part of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact, which lead to the formation of the Moldovan Soviet Socialist Republic. And with the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, it declared independence under the name Moldova, and ever since, the national team has fared wretchedly, having chalked up just the one away win in World Cup history and three wins in total.

With only the odd victory here and there in World Cup qualifying, such as defeating eventual group 3rd placed Montenegro away in World Cup qualifying for the 2014 World Cup, beating Belarus in qualifying for the 2006 World Cup and knocking over Azerbaijan in qualifying for the 2002 World Cup, the time is just about right for Moldova to be reunited with Moldova please.

Romania, with all its juicy footballing pedigree and history that includes a quarter final finish at the World Cup in 1994 and multiple round of 16 successes, not to mention its juicy EU membership, far superior GDP per capita and a clear, internationally recognised border in between itself and Russian breakaway state Transnistria and its ominous, mounting Russian military presence, is naturally where Moldova wants to be. Please?

So, c’mon Romania, what do you say? Take Moldova back, would ya? Moldova doesn’t care that much that the Gagauz language would die due to Romania not recognising other official languages, or that Moldovans would suddenly be a minority in their own country, who cares, because Moldova would love to ride the coattails of Romania’s rich (albeit almost ancient) footballing history, and rapidly evolding economy. And you know what, Romania, Moldova’s not that poor, you know? Some say Kosovo or Bulgaria is poorer, you know? So… reunification, Romania? What do you say?

One to watch: That you don’t leave behind your clipboard with the inventory list back at the other end of the Mileștii Mic wine cellar

Moldova’s Mileștii Mic wine cellar is the largest in the world, so if you get a job as a cellar hand there and happen to be rostered on, don’t forget to bring the sheet of paper with the inventory list on it at all times. Reason is, is that if you leave it behind, it’s over 55 kilometres from one end to the other, so you’re gonna be pretty pissed off if you do. There’s fucking 2 million bottles in the cellar so yeah, make sure you detail all of them blah blah blah, but most importantly, make sure you don’t leave any shit behind, because whether it’s the inventory, your keys, phone or whatever, don’t fucking forget it, because that’s a fucked up 55 km walk all the way back to go get it.

The Highpoint: Featured in this movie about being defeated in tennis

It’s been slim pickings for the Moldova national team on the international front, having never even got close to qualifying for a major international tournament, but on the plus side, it has been featured in this movie by a British comedian I’ve never heard of, particularly because of its inability to do football good against England and its a priori inability to play tennis:

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24 March 2024
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