***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Bulgaria, which has qualified for the World Cup seven times.

BULGARIA
1994 (and some other stuff also)

Nickname: Лъвовете / Lavovete (The Lions), Трикольорите / Trikolyorite (The Tricolours)
FIFA Ranking: 72 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Switzerland, Italy, Northern Ireland and above Lithuania

Despite almost not happening at all, for Bulgaria, 1994 happened. 1994. The crowning moment for the Bulgaria national football team, the summer of 1994 was a time of euphoria, a month that Bulgarians will never forget and still recall with incredible pride. 1994 happened for Bulgaria and was truly a time of magic. Also, other things have happened over the years too but whatever.

In the first place, 1994 shouldn’t even have happened for Bulgaria. On the fringe of the two automatic qualifying spots throughout the campaign–despite an impressive series of results, including a defeat of France in Sofia–1994 still looked like a non-entity for Bulgaria. With Sweden on their way to top spot, France in 2nd could have booked their ticket to USA with a defeat of Israel at home. They fucked it and Israel left Paris with a 3-2 win, setting up a showdown between France and Bulgaria to see who will experience 1994. Enter David Ginola, who thanks to his unnecessary and idiotic overhit cross in the 90th minute gifted Bulgaria an injury time winning goal and a place at the World Cup and in turn, its ultimate triumph ever, 1994.

Having never won a single match in its five previous trips to the World Cup, 1994 kicked off pretty much like one of many other things for Bulgaria, after it was mowed down 3-0 by Nigeria in its opening game at the World Cup. However, it was what followed that 1994 became 1994 for Bulgaria. Still reeling from the rabble of a potentially fatal loss in the curtain raiser, it then rallied and routed Greece 4-0 in its second match, before then knocking over the then two-time defending Copa America champions and 1990 World Cup finalists Argentina 2-0, winning it the group and setting up a round of 16 showdown with Mexico.

At this point, 1994 seemed just like one of those things, like 1986 or something. But fortunately they came up against Mexico, who are prohibited from advancing past the World Cup round of 16 and Bulgaria expectedly knocked them out (on penalties), then came up against the defending World Champions (sort of–West Germany won in 1990), and stuffed the Germans 2-1, earning Bulgaria a spot in the semi-finals, and one win away from the World Cup Final. And despite a sixth goal by eventual World Cup Golden Boot and Golden Ball winner Hristo Stoichkov, it wasn’t to be as Italy came out on top 2-1, ending the Bulgarian dream at the penultimate stage. And even though Bulgaria then lost the third place playoff to Sweden by like fifty goals or something, it didn’t matter, because, well, 1994. 1994 had happened. And nothing can ever change that for Bulgaria.

Also, 1962, 1966, 1970, 1974 and 1998 happened too .

One to watch: Your daughter’s virginity (if you want her to fetch a good price at the bride market)

If you’re getting your daughter/s ready for the bride market held every spring in Stara Zagora you’re gonna wanna get the best price for her, right? Right, no duh. So, in order to impress the wealthiest suitors among the 18,000 or so people that should be there, you’re gonna wanna keep close tabs on her virginity leading up to the big day. Make sure that any occasion that she catches up with a guy is monitored under full surveillance in your own home, because as everyone in Bulgaria’s Kalaidzhi Roma community knows, you only get one shot at tarting up your daughter and selling her like a goat or horse.

The Highpoint: 1994, what do you reckon?

This is a straight up no-brainer. Having stank at every prior World Cup, at the World Cup in USA in 1994, Bulgaria went on a tear, knocking over Greece, Argentina, Mexico and Germany and rolling all the way to the semis, where it fell just short of a place in the final, losing 2-1 to the a team that was known as “Italy”, a nation which historians claim was once a regular competitor at the World Cup.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

BULLSHIT FRIENDLIES
16 Nov 2022
CYPRUS 🇨🇾 x 🇧🇬 BULGARIA

20 Nov 2022
LUXEMBOURG 🇱🇺 x 🇧🇬 BULGARIA