***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at North Macedonia, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
NORTH MACEDONIA
Glory Be to Him, Our Salvation, The Almighty Goran Pandev (Glory Be)
Nickname: Рисови – Risovi (Lynxes) / Лавови – Lavovi (Lions)
FIFA Ranking: 65 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify, losing to Portugal in European playoff finals
Thanks to Goran Pandev (and some other guys), in September 2020 North Macedonia qualified for its first major international tournament as an independent nation, the delayed Euro 2020. Historical records of North Macedonia’s international record since its secession from Yugoslavia show that Pandev scored at the winning goal in every single match he took part in over the course of his career. However, the veracity of this statistic has been questioned by soccer archivists as North Macedonia had a substantial losing record during his period.
One to watch: The spirit of the holy ghost Goran Pandev
To this day, the spirit of Goran Pandev remains a guiding force for all North Macedonians and the light providing by Him offers them meaning, consolation, and unconditional love offered in his redemptive sacrifice of international retirement (following the national team’s third group game against Netherlands at Euro 2020). Even though He’s now called it a day with the national team, North Macedonians still see Him out there on the pitch, in their homes and everpresently throughout the course of their days, as the Almighty Pandev unfailingly steers them on the path towards Righteousness.
The highpoint: Defeating Italy, European qualifiers, World Cup 2022
Despite Italy not being a serious contender of reaching the World Cup anymore, North Macedonia still managed to pull off one of the greatest shocks in modern World Cup qualifying history. Thanks to a 92nd minute blast by Aleksander Trajkovski in Rome, North Macedonia astonishingly eliminated the four-time world champions, setting up a playoff final against Portugal, which they lost (but who cares, they beat Italy, basically winning their own World Cup in the process).
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
Upcoming matches
BULLSHIT FRIENDLIES
17 Nov 2022
NORTH MACEDONIA 🇲🇰 x 🇫🇮 FINLAND
20 Nov 2022
NORTH MACEDONIA 🇲🇰 x 🇦🇿 AZERBAIJAN