***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Malta, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.
MALTA
Let me tell you about the Malta national team in the most painful, annoying way possible–a traditional Maltese Għana folk song
Nickname: Knights of Malta/Ħomor (Reds)/Falcons
FIFA Ranking: 168 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing bottom of group below Croatia, Russia (later suspended), Slovakia, Slovenia, Cyprus
With only seven competitive wins in its history, Malta’s history in international football makes for some dismal reading, so with that in mind let me tell you about it in another way–through the most arythmic, amelodic and painfully annoying form of music there is–a traditional Maltese Għana folksong:
You’re welcome. And here are the highlights (or the closest thing) from Malta’s three wins in its World Cup qualifying history: it’s first ever one, over Estonia in 1993, another 1-0 win in Armenia in World Cup 2014 qualifying and its first ever World Cup home win, a 3-0 dismantling of Cyprus.
One to watch: Those cheating Muscat brothers Ruzar and Gomu, when you’re playing them in a game of bocci
Make sure you keep an eye on these two, Ruzar and Gomu. Those pricks are shady as fuck, everyone in all corners of La Valetta stretching 0.6 kilometres knows it. Mate, my mate Kalanc asked them to fix the carby on his ’87 Ford Laser and the thing still fucking blows smoke. And my other mate Cikku took his ’94 Patrol in for a simple timing belt and 2 weeks later, he blew a head gasket. How the fuck does that happen. So whether in the work shop or at the bocci club, watch these pricks, they’re always nudging your balls away from the likki when you’re not looking or wearing down their balls, contrary to standard bocci regulations, just to suit their own throwing style. Just watch the cunts.
The Highpoint: Latvia 0-1 Malta, Nations League, 13 October 2020
After the outbreak of the COVID-19 Pandemic, it took months for sport to finally return in any semblance of how we knew it. And even when it did, it was, for the most part, without crowds. Eventually though, sports’ comeback was glorious and few moments if any were more glorious than lowly Malta defeating slightly less lowly Latvia with a 96th minute winner, for its first away win in seven years, its first win in the UEFA Nations League, and only its 7th win in a competitive match ever.
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