***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Malaysia, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

MALAYSIA
NOW who’s getting Ganyanged, Indonesia?

Nickname: Harimau Malaya (Malayan Tigers)
FIFA Ranking: 147 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (AFC) group stage, finishing below UAE and Vietnam

In the early 1960s, Indonesia vehemently opposed Malaysia gaining its independence, with its then President Soekarno claiming it was a neo-imperial attempt by the British to destabilise South East Asia. Initially, Soekarno’s militant refusal to accept Malaysian sovereignty was enforced by means of social and economic pressure, brinksmanship and propaganda, with the President launching campaigns such as “Down with Malaysia”, “Forward not Backward” and “Ganyang Malaysia” (or “Crush Malaysia”/ “Devour Malaysia raw”). But, here’s the rub, because as it turns out, it sure ain’t Malaysia that’s getting ganyanged.

The Malayan Tigers went on a remarkable run all the way through qualifying for the 2023 Asian Cup, ultimately finishing as runner-up in their group in Round 3 and qualifying for the Asian Cup for only the third time in its history and the first time in 43 years (Malaysia automatically took part in the 2007 edition as co-hosts). Furthermore, in World Cup qualifying for Qatar 2022 (which had doubled as Asian Cup qualifying), Malaysia fell just shy of group runners-up Vietnam and therefore advancing to the penultimate round, ahead of recent AFF Cup winner and local rival Thailand, and, wait for ittttt, also defeating its bitter rival Indonesia both home and away. Adding to their pain, the Indonesians ultimately ended up buried in bottom spot in the group, finishing with a measly 1 point and a -22 goal difference, and its fans’ only joy coming in hurling abuse and objects at travelling Malaysian fans and forcing the team to ride in armoured military vehicles post-game just to reach their hotel safely.

So although the Malaysian national team has had little international success, it can still lay claim to at least 1 triumph in the AFF Cup (and not six Final defeats, hey, Indonesia?!). Look up the record books and you’ll notice Malaysia clearly not getting ganyanged in the 2010 edition of the biennial tournament for South East Asian nations, as it defeated, thaaaaat’s right, Indonesia 3-0 in the first leg and then 4-2 on aggregate, despite losing the 2nd leg. So Indonesia, you better check yourself before you ganyang yourself.

One to watch: The Rafflesia flower

Found in Malaysia’s rainforests, the rafflesia is the world’s largest bloom and can grow to over a metre in diameter. The plant is a parasite, emitting a foul stench similar to rotting meat, and it has no stems, leaves or roots, with the only visible part (outside its host vine) being its humungous petals, which live for a meagre week before wilting and dying. The rafflesia is also found in Indonesia, but you know what, fuck you Indonesia, because Malaysia’s rafflesias are far more parasitic and smell much more rancid than yours. So SUCK IT.

The Highpoint: 2010 AFF Cup (listening, Indonesia?)

Hey Indonesia, you see that big, dry, shiny thing? That’s the AFF Cup, otherwise known as the ASEAN Football Federation Championship or AFF Championship or the Tiger Cup or the Suzuki Cup or now the Mitsubishi Electric Cup. But call it whatever you want Indonesia, because if only you had tried just that little bit harder in 2000, 2002, 2004, 2010, 2016 and last year, you’d know what it is first hand!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

AFC ASIAN CUP 2023
TBD