***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Greece, which has qualified for the World Cup on three occasions.
GREECE
Proof that absolutely any team can be champion if it plays in a boring enough way
Nickname: Piratiko (The Pirate Ship) /Ethniki (The National)
Galanolefki (The Sky Blues and Whites)
FIFA Ranking: 52 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Spain, Sweden, Georgia and Kosovo
In football, the status quo of the same few national teams winning major international tournaments and the same few clubs winning their respective leagues is one that’s seldom disturbed. While France and Spain only recently won the World Cup for the first time, both have been associated with the upper echelon of football for decades. But in 2004 along came Greece, which after qualifying for the European Championships undefeated and ahead of Spain, proved to the whole world that no matter the ranking, the history or the reputed skill of any minnow, if you play in a way that’s boring enough, anything is possible.
Having only previously qualified for the European Championships once (in 1980), Greece went into Euro 2004 in Portugal with few expectations. But it didn’t take long till they planted the seed that if you play in a way that makes people’s eyeballs bleed and abhor the sport of football, you can reach great heights in international tournaments.
The Greeks defeated the hosts in their opening game and then snuck through to the quarter-finals ahead of Spain on goal difference. At this point they had confirmed a deep belief that all football fans have, that if your team plays in a way that makes you detest sports, you can achieve some moderate success in football. That said, Greece wasn’t done yet.
Playing a hideous style of football that made you hate life, Greece squeezed past France 1-0 with a headed winning goal. Next, they faced the competition favourites and a team that didn’t play in a way that made your retinas ache, the Czech Republic. And in another win for please-kill-me-now, painful-to-even-watch-highlights-of football, the Greeks stunned the Czechs and the world, winning 1-0 yet again with a boring ass header from a cross, and in turn proving that wow, hang on, if Greece can make the final of the Euros, seriously anything’s possible.
The craziness still wasn’t over though. Coming up against Portugal yet again, this time in the final, Greece, surprise surprise scored from another boring ass headed goal from a cross and hung on to win 1-0, becoming, seriously what the fuck, European champions.
Whatever happened in the World Cup before 2004 (which was disastrous, losing all three games at the 1994 World Cup) or after (which included its first win in 2010 over Nigeria and even a round of 16 appearance in 2014), seriously doesn’t and will never matter, since let’s be honest, Greece aren’t winning the World Cup ever.
Or are they? If they (or anyone, for that matter) plays in a way that is just the right amount of boring-as-fuck, could they…? They couldn’t. Surely. Please no, once was enough. We don’t need another Euro 2004.
One to watch: The Ancient Greece National Football Team
Whether you resonate more with the logic of German or Greek philosophers, it can’t be denied that the Greeks were just better. The greatest of all, Socrates, his student Plato, and his student Aristotle, Epictetus, just the whole bunch of ’em crush the Germans when it comes to doing the philosophies. Wittgenstein’s language games, Nietzsche’s Amor Fati and Hegel’s teleological theory of history are doozies, and Schopenhauer’s nihilism and Western take on Buddhism has its charm, but his bullshit cat thing, and most of whatever Kant was on about can fuck off. Nothing–and no one ever–will top the ancient Greeks, and in particular the greatest of all Socrates and his annoying yet mindexploding fucking great Socratic Method. On the football field or off it.
The Highpoint: Round of 16, 2014 World Cup and… well… Euro 2004 (nothing else really matters)
Let’s forget about Greece’s debut at the World Cup, shall we, because in their debut match against Argentina, they conceded a goal in the first two minutes, lost the match 4-0, then lost to Bulgaria 4-0 and Nigeria 2-0, shipped 10 goals in the end, didn’t score a single one of their own and lost all three games. By a similar token, their effort in 2010 wasn’t much better, but the Greeks did notch their first ever win at the finals (a 2-1 defeat of Nigeria), and in 2014, they went one better and reached the round of 16, falling short of the quarters only on penalties.
But let’s be honest, winning the World Cup is out of reach, so nothing ever, will ever beat what the Greeks did in 2004 (above). So why not just fold the football federation and ask FIFA to revoke their association’s membership?
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