***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Slovakia, aiming to qualify for their second FIFA World Cup.

SLOVAKIA

All citizens required to either be Marek Hamsik or, at the very least, have Marek Hamsik hairstyle

Nickname: Sokoli (The Falcons)
FIFA Ranking: 51 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

Slovakia have only qualified for just the one FIFA World Cup since the dissolution of Czechoslovakia in 1992. But in their solitary appearance in South Africa in 2010, the team exceeded all expectations, making the round of 16 and stunning the defending champions Italy 3-2 along the way. And while this result shocked the soccer world, Slovakians are still convinced that they could have gone way further and maybe even won the whole goddamn thing had the team been made up solely of Marek Hamsiks. This meagre amount of Marek Hamsiks (one) in the national side has been blamed for not only the team’s 2010 World Cup elimination, but also Repre’s terribly underwhelming results ever since.

One to watch: Marek Hamsik duh

This cunt. Just watch him. Fuck the rest of this Slovak-yawn team. And now that he’s getting on (he’ll be 35 by the time Qlamqtar 2022 kicks off), you’re not going to get many more chances to see him on the international stage. So fuck what you’re doing, quit your job, dump your girlfriend, sell your dog and just fully deep dive into Youtube highlights of this motherfucker till your eyeballs bleed. Your haemorrhaging eyeballs will thank you for it later!

The highpoint: Defeating defending champion Italy and reaching Round of 16, 2010 World Cup (just sure as shit not its actual round of 16 match)

In its first World Cup as an independent nation, Slovakia got out of its group after a 1-1 draw with New Zealand and then a stunning defeat of the 2006 world champions Italy in an incredible match in which Repre went up 2-0, then copped a goal, seemingly opening the floodgates to an Italian comeback, before the Slovaks stunned the Italian with a brilliant third goal from a set-play directly off a throw-in, effectively ending any Italian resistance, and any shot at defending their title. Reaching the second round on debut was an amazing achievement for the young independent state, however the same can’t be said for their subsequent match against Netherlands in the second round. Dull as shit, the Slovaks parked 11 men behind the ball and played for penalties from the first second of the match, and were subsequently swept aside by the Dutch 2-0 (I think–the game was so grim that in our hotel room in Bethlehem, South Africa me and my mate Matt barely watched it, instead we played epic hours hours of keeper gambles).

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches
World Cup Qualifying | Europe | First Round

Oct 8
Russia 🇷🇺  x 🇸🇰  Slovakia

Oct 11
Croatia 🇭🇷  x 🇸🇰  Slovakia

Nov 11
Slovakia 🇸🇰  x 🇸🇮  Slovenia