***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is under a single moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at the Faroe Islands, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

FAROE ISLANDS
Blessed be Their name, performers of great miracles

Nickname: Landsliðið (The National Team)
FIFA Ranking: 109 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Denmark, Scotland, Israel, Austria, above Moldova

Blessed be They, the Air name, mighty Kings of Kings, for Faroe Islands are the truly Beloved performers of miracles.

Lo, it was back whence in 1991, in its first ever competitive international and facing the might of Austria, and hoping for nothing worse than a 5-0 defeat, the first miracle in Faroese history was performed. Coming up against a pedigreed Austrian side that had recently taken part at the 1990 World Cup, with the score at 0-0, One of the Chosen, Torkil Nielsen managed to break past his first defender, fend off a defender and stay on his feet and slide a toepoke past the Austrian goalkeeper to give the Faroe Islands a 1-0 lead–a lead that it would hold onto until the referee’s final whistle. Blessed be They, for this was one of the greatest upsets in international football history. Glory be to Them (Amen).

Years later, in 2014 amid qualifying for Euro 2016, the Faroe Islands performed another miracle, and although incomparable in magnitude to its deeds in September 1991, t’was the greatest ever in terms of the FIFA World rankings. Ranked #187 and Greece #18 (while also a recent participant at the recently completed 2014 World Cup), Our Beloved managed a feat in Piraeus that had never been seen before in all the lands. A miracle was performed by Joan Edmundsson that lead to a 1-0 Faroese win. And not only did our Beloved perform this great miracle upon Greece, but a year later in the return leg, the Faroe Islands cast aside the pariahs and delivered a similar miracle unto the Greeks, with a 2-1 return win in Torshavn.

The Faroe Islands’ most recent miracle was performed in qualifying for the 2018 World Cup ,when it surpassed its previous record of 9 points in a qualifying campaign by amassing a virtuous total of 11, with a wholesome 0-0 draw with Hungary and defeats of Latvia, Malta and Andorra. Alas, considering all its miracles, followers of Faroe Islands may indeed praise the greatest miracle of all: the white bobble hat worn upon that famed night in 1991 by goalkeeper Jens Martin Kundsen:

Amen (amen).

One to watch: The curse of Kópakonan, the seal wife

When you’re around the town of Mikladur on the island of Kasloy and you’re either getting swept out to sea never to return or falling to your death after slipping from a cliff edge, there’s only one person to blame. Well, not person, but more one seal person to blame, and even more specifically, Kópakonan the seal woman.

In the Faroe Islands, seals were believed to former humans who had voluntarily sought death out in the ocean. Once a year though, on the 13th night of the year they were allowed to return to land, and when they did, they would shed their skin and party. One year, on the thirteenth night, a local farmer, after having witnessed the seal people return to land in previous years, found the fur of one of the visiting seal women and stole it. Later, when she demanded he give it back, he agreed on the condition that he would do so only if she followed him back to his house. There, he hid the suit, locking it in a cupboard, and from that point he kept the key chained to his belt at all times. Kópakonan was forced to remain on the island and live with him, fathering two of his children.

One day when at sea, the farmer realised he had left the key at home. In a panic, he turned the ship around desperately to return home, but when he got back, Kópakonan had already fled, leaving their children behind. Kópakonan, now back in the sea, would take another husband, a bull seal that had loved her prior to her capture, and together they would have another two seal pups.

Every time that the farmers kids would visit the shore, a seal would pop its head up above the surface of the sea, and while locals were adamant it was  Kópakonan, she never returned to them. Then, one night before the farmer was due to go hunting seals in a coastline cave, Kópakonan appeared to him in a dream, pleading for him to leave her new husband bull seal and their two pups that he was going to encounter there unscathed. He didn’t listen.

The farmer and his crew massacred the seals in the cave, including  Kópakonan’s husband and their two pups, and they later mounted a giant celebration where they planned to triumphantly feast upon their victims. After they had been cooked, Kópakonan appeared in the ghastly form of a terrifying troll and proclaimed to the men:

‘Here lie the head of my husband with his broad nostrils, the hand of Hárek and the foot of Fredrik! Now there shall be revenge, revenge on the men of Mikladalur, and some will die at sea and others fall from the mountain tops, until there be as many dead as can link hands all round the shores of the isle of Kalsoy!’

So, there you go, next time you’re around Mikladur and you slowly feel yourself and your whaling crew being swept out to sea, or when you’re on a leisurely stroll along the island’s cliff edge and suddenly find yourself plummeting to your horrible death, you know who to blame–that creepy farmer cunt from Mikladur who fucked over Kópakonan.

The Highpoint: The other Greek miracle

Euro 2004 isn’t the only Greek miracle that’s occurred in international football. Arguably not quite as great as Greece stunning everyone and giving hope to all international minnows forever more by winning the European championships in Portugal, in 2014 the Faroe Islands performed their own Greek miracle. Defeating a team 169 places above it in the FIFA rankings, the Faroese knocked off a side 1-0 that had not only qualified for the 2014 World Cup, but also fell a couple penalty kicks away from reaching the quarter finals (the Faroese then repeated the feat a year later in Torshavn-below). Which Greek miracle was greater? Thoughts? Hmmm, it’s a toughie, isn’t it?!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

BULLSHIT FRIENDLIES
16 Nov 2022
CZECH REPUBLIC 🇨🇿 x FAROE ISLANDS

19 Nov 2022
KOSOVO 🇽🇰 x 🇫🇴 FAROE ISLANDS