***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about two moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Czech Republic, which has qualified for the World Cup once, in 2006.
CZECH REPUBLIC
Will never do anything better than the Panenka
Nickname: Nároďák (The National Team)
FIFA Ranking: 32 (August 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from European playoffs (UEFA), defeated by Sweden 1-0 (aet) in playoff path semi-final
Czech Republic are never going to do anything better than winning the 1976 European Championships with the original Panenka, (no One Is). Even reaching the final of Euro 96 in its first international tournament (and successfully qualifying for every edition since the dissolution of Czechoslovakia in 1992), reaching the Euro 2004 semi-finals or reaching the 2006 World Cup Finals pale into insignificance compared to what Panenka did for the first ever time on that night in Belgrade, when the then-Czechoslovakia laid their hands on their first (and still their only) major trophy by defeating West Germany on penalties in the final, and more importantly, gave birth to the Panenka.
Qualifying for the European playoffs for Qatar 2022 on the back of its successful Nations League campaign, Czech Republic fell 1-0 to Sweden in the semi-finals but, you know what, fuck that…. This country, well sort of, since some were Czech, won the 1976 Championships against West Germany with Antonin Panenka chipping the goalie in a penalty shootout… AND THAT WAS THE GODDAMN WINNING PENALTY… After going up 2-0 and then conceding 2 goals (including one in the 89th minute) and almost blowing it… PANENKA CHIPPED THE FUCKING KEEPER… I mean, shit.
Seriously… Panenka. I mean, fuck me. Watch this again. To fucking WIN IT. WHAT A FUCKING DUDE.
Who gives a shit about anything else Czech Republic have done or will do… Panenka chipped the fucking keeper to win the final of the European championships… And he said that when he hit it he wasn’t 100% sure he’d score the penalty he was “1000% sure.” Fuck man, what a fucken legend.
You’re welcome world, for all the Panenka’s that have come since (including this great one), and Czechs will never do anything so great ever again.
So thank the Czechs for the good Panenkas:
…and the god-awful ones:
One to watch: Their drinking
You might wanna keep an eye on not only your own drinking but also the Czech Rpublic Nmatioanl Team’s, because the, Czech Rpublic drinks morebeer per capita anthan any other b other beer on, uh , countuury in th world. More beer . Nore beer. more beer moreer more beer. ANd apart from Euro 96 its about beer more beer more beer more beer, and laid off the beer for the 2006 World CU qualifying campaign but, oh and sort of for Euro 2004 when we should have won it but bloody Greece Im gonna get em, where are the car keys Im going to Greeces house, where are they are, what are you talking about I;m fine to drive, I’m just going to Greeces house to talk I just wanna have a word with Greece.
Ebeery Worl d Cup apart from 06 has been like whow no thiank you!! ..And even when we get a special entry in to the EUropean playoffs for a World Cup spot at Qatar 2022, we get hammered. UGH, SWEdennnn… yuk. This time it was by Swedened but every four years apart from 06 it was omseone else. But we started off so welll.. remember Euro 96, remember? Whow. We didn’t get hammered during that at all. And we made the final.. But ever since, its just beeb gammering after hammering after hammering after hammering after hammering hammering after hammerinag after hammering after hammering after hammering after hammering HAHAHAHA good times
The Highpoint: Group stage, 2006 World Cup but fuck that–Finalists, Euro 96
Czech Republic did manage to qualify for their first and only World Cup in 2006, and although did they did notch up their maiden World Cup win in Germany, they went out in the first round and anyway who really cares. Because Euro 96.
There’s just one thing better than qualifying for a major international tournament at your first attempt and then beating Portugal and Italy and France and then leading the then three-time World Champion Germany as late as the 73rd minute, and that’s holding on for just 17 more minutes plus stoppage time to win the whole thing. The Czech Republic didn’t do the latter, but they sure as shit did the former.
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