***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is under a single moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Israel, which has qualified for the World Cup once.
ISRAEL
By reading this you recognise the State of Israel’s national football team
Nickname: הכחולים-לבנים (The Blue and Whites)
FIFA Ranking: 76 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Denmark, Scotland, above Austria, Faroe Islands, Moldova
Editor’s note: For a simple explanation of why the state of Israel’s national football team is disputed, go here.
A word of warning: if you or your family are being threatened by your state’s government, terrorist groups or resistance fighters and receiving stern warnings not to read this, now is your chance to refuse and leave this page immediately, because should you proceed, you are recognising the State of Israel’s national football team and fortifying its legitimacy. If you, on the other hand, feel that somethings are not worth fighting for (but perhaps Palestine is), and that the text you are reading right now is one of them, then you should heed my warning and listen to those threatening you, be they Egypt, Iran, Hezbollah/Lebanon, ISIS, Hamas, or any other of the other countless fundamentalist Islamic groups wishing to obliterate the state of Israel national football team who believing that ‘The Day of Judgment will not come about until Moslems fight Jews and kill them. Then, the Jews will hide behind rocks and trees, and the rocks and trees will cry out: ‘O Moslem, there is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill him.’
At this point, it appears as though you have implicitly agreed that the State of Israel’s national football team is indeed an entity, and by reading further you not only approve of entering into negotiations of peace treaties, endorse other Arab countries to leave the circle of struggle and also acknowledge that Israel’s national football team’s greatest achievement is reaching the 1970 World Cup, from which it left with its head held high, after a gallant 2-0 loss to Uruguay in its World Cup debut, a 1-1 draw with Sweden and a 0-0 draw with eventual finalists Italy.
By not boycotting this article, you recognise that the short 74-year history of Israel has yielded a reasonable amount of success, which not only includes an appearance at the World Cup but is also marked by considerable success in its previous stint as part of the Asian confederation (AFC). By reading this, you recognise that Israel’s national football team twice finished as runners-up in the AFC Asian Cup (1956 & 1960), took bronze once (1968) and won the tournament in 1964.
If you maintain that peace between Palestine and Israel is not possible and that the Jihad against Israel must continue until Israel is destroyed and the Zionist oppressors are all driven into the sea, then now’s a good time to stop reading, however, by reading on you implicitly confirm that ever since 1970, Israel’s national football team have struggled to reach the same heights as its golden generation in the 60s and early 70s. Furthermore, you recognise that they did reach the final stage of qualifying for the 1990 World Cup, only to fall 2-0 in a intercontinental playoff to Colombia.
Here’s one last chance to close this tab out of fear for yours or your family’s safety, but by not closing it you recognise that despite some recent upturn in fortunes and displays of promise, such as reaching next year’s under-20 FIFA World Cup in Indonesia, (oh, stayed tuned for incidents there btw), winning promotion to the top league of the next edition of the UEFA Nations League and a near miss in qualifying for the 2022 World Cup after blowing it against Scotland and finished just out of a playoff spot. By reaching the final point of this overview, you also acknowledge that while according to the Book of Deuteronomy 7:6, Jews were God’s chosen ones, they are far from FIFA’s, having not reached even a single playoff since its switch to the European Zone. And if fact you also recognise that FIFA’s view of the Israel and its people’s national football team may in fact greater resemble that of the Pharaoh in Exodus 1:12, and Israel’s continued absence from the World Cup actually does FIFA a great favour, saving them a shit ton on security and additional PR damage control.
One to watch: Jerusalem
You think peace in the Middle East is possible? Well, you’re right because ABSOLUTELY it is! It’s as easy as this:
And in fact, it may be easier than that. All you need to do is resolve one issue and one issue only: Jerusalem! And more specifically, East Jerusalem and the Temple Mount. Solve Jerusalem and bang, you’ve achieved peace in the Middle East. Don’t worry, it’s easy peasy, let me walk you through it!…
Step one: figure out what to do with the Temple Mount
As the holiest site in Judaism, the Temple Mount is where Abraham offered his first born son as a sacrifice to God, as well as being the site of the first temple that was destroyed by the Babylonians in 586 BCE, the reconstructed second temple that was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE, and the future site of the third temple when the Messiah returns. For Christians, it was the site where Jesus issued his challenge to the Temple authorities, an act that would lead to his arrest and crucifixion, and also, Muslims believe something too:
Step two: Figure out what to do about East Jerusalem
Muslims believe that East Jerusalem will be the future capital of a Palestinian state. Problem is, it’s remained occupied by Israel ever since it was annexed in 1970. So just do something about that, k?
Done? Great! BADDA-BING, BADDA-BOOM! There you go, you resolved the apparently intractable 1400-or-so-year-old conflict between Muslims and Jews and brought peace to the Middle East! Nice one!
The Highpoint: Group stage, 1970 World Cup & Winners, 1964 AFC Asian Cup
In 1970 Israel managed to do something that to date, only 79 national teams have managed to do–qualify for a World Cup. The side failed to win a game, but having said that, two points from three group matches after draws with eventual finalist Italy and Sweden wasn’t a bad return for its first (and only) trip to the tournament.
On an even more successful note, Israel have also been of one of only nine teams to win the AFC Asian Cup, defeating South Korea in its final game in 1964, to claim the trophy on its home soil. Impressive for a young country only 16 years old at the time, but you know, not that impressive when you think that more teams actually withdrew from the tournament–ten, to be precise: Afghanistan, Cambodia, Ceylon (Sri Lanka), Indonesia, Iran, Japan, Myanmar, Pakistan, Philippines, Republic of China and Singapore–than actually contested it–four: the hosts, Hong Kong, South Korea and India. And when you consider a total of 0 teams withdrew from the previous edition in 1960 and the following in 1968, well, Israel’s 1964 AFC Asian Cup triumph is just, you know, not bad, it’s better than meh, but not quite as good as ‘Heyyyoooo’. And according to the AFC, it didn’t even happen.
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