***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is a little over one moon away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Estonia, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

ESTONIA
The first ever World Cup qualifying losers

Nickname: Sinisärgid (Blueshirt)
FIFA Ranking: 109 (October 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage (UEFA) finishing below Belgium, Wales, Czech Republic, above Belarus

Participants in the first ever World Cup qualifying match on the 11th June 1933, Estonia was, and shall forever remain, officially the first ever loser in the history of the World Cup.

With the inaugural World Cup in 1930 being invitiation-only, the 1934 edition was the first to feature a qualifying tournament. Additionally, it was also the first to feature teams losing, a priveledge which was first bestowed upon Estonia. And while it’s a crown they’ll now hold forever, it’s also a loss that the national are still yet to get over.

One of the minnows of European football, the national team represented the tiny Baltic state of Estonia has struggled ever since that loss. The team are yet to qualify for a World Cup and have never even reached a playoff for a spot at the finals. Though it did manage to notch up it first World Cup win in the 1938 campaign (a 1-0 defeat of Finland), it still fell 2 points short of qualification in the same campaign. Following the start of Soviet occupation in 1940, that would be its last qualification attempt until 1994, when it resumed what it started on that famous day back in Stockholm in 1933–losing.

Ever since its reentry into the World Cup arena as an independent nation in 1991, Estonia’s World Cup qualifying efforts have been thwarted. Apart from finishing third in its group in qualifying for the 2006 World Cup, the side has struggled to notch up significant victories in all of its 8 attempts since 1994. And while Estonia has been joined by 210 other World Cup losing teams since 1933, there will only ever be one true first World Cup qualifying loser and nothing can take that away from Estonia.

One to watch: The ever present bloodthirsty beasts lurking in your midst

Just under half of Estonia is covered in forest, containing the largest amount of biodiversity in Europe. Mountain lynx, wolverines, grey wolves, elk, wild boar, 14 types of native bats and the mighty brown bear lurk within its terrain, so when you’re visiting Estonia, you’re gonna wanna keep a close eye around you at all times. Whether shopping, out with friends or even during training with the national football team, stay sharp, because in Estonia, your savage evisceration at the hands of an Estonian mammalian beast, at any second, is always just seconds away.

The Highpoint: Euro 2012 playoffs (defeated by Republic of Ireland 5-1 on aggregate)

After incredibly finished second in its Euro 2012 qualifying group ahead of Serbia, Slovenia and Northern Ireland, Estonia then got pummeled 5-1 on aggregate by Republic or Ireland in its first ever (and only, to this point) playoff for a major competition. However, its campaign was marked most significantly by leading Italy 1-0 until the 60th minute at home (before succumbing 2-1), as well as managing wins over Serbia in Belgrade, Slovenia in Llubljana and Northern Ireland in Belfast.

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2022 BALTIC CUP
16 Nov 2022
LATVIA 🇱🇻 x 🇪🇪 ESTONIA