***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Ukraine, which has qualified for the World Cup once, in 2006.

UKRAINE
WE HAVE A WINNER!!!… THE WINNER OF THE 2022 FIFA WORLD CUP IS UKRAAAAIIINNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nickname: Синьо-жовті (The Blue and Yellow)
FIFA Ranking: 27 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: TBD (facing Scotland in the UEFA Playoff semi-final vs Scotland, June 2022)

Even though the World Cup is still six months away, and Ukraine may not qualify–they clash with Scotland in two weeks for a chance to play off for a Finals spot–FIFA is thrilled to announce that Ukraine is already the winner of the FIFA World Cup Qlamqtar 2022.

It’s been a hard slog in World Cup qualifying for the other 210 FIFA member nations across the globe, but forget it, because Ukraine. Ukraine being awarded the 2022 World Cup trophy is amazing, not merely for the fact that even though they may not even qualify, but the World Cup Qlamqtar 2022 hasn’t even begun yet. After almost three years of qualifying, and 860 qualifying matches involving 211 nations across six confederations, the 210 FIFA members who are not Ukraine shall all pause and take a moment to salute your new World Cup champion, Ukraine.

While Ukraine have only qualified for world soccer’s biggest event just once as an independent nation, that matters shit because THEY ARE THE 2022 WORLD CUP WINNERS. So sorry, Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, American Samoa, Andorra, Angola, Anguilla, Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina, Armenia, Aruba, Australia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Barbados, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Benin, Bermuda, Bhutan, Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, British Virgin Islands, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cabo Verde, Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada, Cayman Islands, Central African Republic, Chad, Chile, China PR, Chinese Taipei, Colombia, Comoros, Congo, Congo DR, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Côte d’Ivoire, Croatia, Cuba, Curaçao, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Djibouti, Dominica, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Estonia, Eswatini, Ethiopia, Faroe Islands, Fiji, Finland, France, Gabon, Gambia, Georgia, Germany, Ghana, Gibraltar, Greece, Grenada, Guam, Guatemala, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Guyana, Haiti, Honduras, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, IR Iran, Iraq, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea DPR, Korea Republic, Kosovo, Kuwait, Kyrgyz Republic, Laos, Latvia, Lebanon, Lesotho, Liberia, Libya, Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macau, Madagascar, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Mali, Malta, Mauritania, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Mongolia, Montenegro, Montserrat, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Namibia, Nepal, Netherlands, New Caledonia, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, North Macedonia, Northern Ireland, Norway, Oman, Pakistan, Palestine, Panama, Papua New Guinea, Paraguay, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Puerto Rico, Qatar, Republic of Ireland, Romania, Russia, Rwanda, Samoa, San Marino, São Tomé and Príncipe, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Senegal, Serbia, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Africa, South Sudan, Spain, Sri Lanka, St. Kitts and Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent and the Grenadines, Sudan, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Tahiti, Tajikistan, Tanzania, Thailand, Timor-Leste, Togo, Tonga, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Turks and Caicos Islands, Uganda, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, US Virgin Islands, USA, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Venezuela, Vietnam, Wales, Yemen, Zambia and Zimbabwe, because despite your best efforts we now have our winner of the 2022 FIFA World Cup, and it’s the Blue and Yellow, the world’s beloved UKRAINE!!!

You may want to ask, ‘Hark! Pardon me my fair madam, but may thee disclose on what grounds Ukraine are being declared the official 2022 World Cup winners without even qualifying, let alone progressing from the group stage, winning a round-of-16 match, quarter-final, semi-final and then the final?’ And that is a great question. A question to which the answer is: Ukraine. You’re welcome. Goodbye.

Congratulations Ukraine! The 2022 FIFA World Cup CHAMPIONS!!!

One to watch: Their group stage matches at Euro 2012 (location: no longer exists)

In 2012, Ukraine co-hosted the UEFA European Championships with Poland. And while the Polish national team played its group matches in Warsaw and Wroclaw, the Ukrainians played theirs in a place that no longer exists. This place, which historians argue was once known as Donetsk, is but a pile of rubble now and owing to its dearth of life and lack of any evidence that football has historically even been played there, it is implausible to believe that Ukraine’s Euro 2012 matches against Sweden, France and England actually took place there.

Some fragments of evidence that a team known as Shakhtar Donetsk once played in the mythical city of its namesake (with some ancient evidence even suggesting they won the 2009 UEFA Cup) but these claims have not been confirmed and scientifically are considered tenuous at best.

The Highpoint: The 2006 FIFA World Cup, but in a lame way

The 2022 FIFA World Cup is not the first major prize the Ukraine national team has claimed. In 2006 they also took the title for the Lamest Quarter Finalist in FIFA World Cup history.

First, they got pounded 4-0 by Spain (who were still underachieving assholes at that stage), then, okay, they did beat Saudi Arabia 4-0 (but who doesn’t obliterate Saudi Arabia at World Cups?), and in their last group match, with a bullshit penalty where Shevchenko dived, they defeated equally-as-lame Tunisia 1-0 (who are bullshit and have been as much since their equally lame performance at France 98). Then, just when you thought a team to advance from the group stage couldn’t get any lamer, they then fell over the line against Switzerland 0-0 (3-0 on penalties) in what at that stage was the shittest World Cup match in history (with the shittest penalty shootout in World Cup history). Moving on to the quarter finals, brace yourself because their next match then took the mantle as the lamest performance in World Cup history and the lamest sports event I’ve ever been to, as Italy walked it in and dropped Ukraine 3-0 in Hamburg in the quarter-final. The only highlight: getting fuckeyed with a bottle of Jäger after the game on the Reeperbahn with my mate Leroy and some rando from Australia (below). Otherwise, fucking lame Ukraine. Lame.

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FIFA WORLD CUP 2022 QLAMQTAR | EUROPEAN QUALIFIERS – PLAYOFFS (PATH A)
1 June 2022
SCOTLAND 🕺 x 🇺🇦 UKRAINE