***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Namibia, who are yet to qualify for the World Cup.

NAMIBIA
Don’t worry, you can hear all about how much they suck

Nickname: The Brave Warriors
FIFA Ranking: 112 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (CAF), finishing 3rd in group behind Senegal and Togo

Namibia has the highest level of press freedom of any country in Africa. The index is measured by RSF (Reporters Without Borders) and is based on a criteria that considers pluralism, media independence, environment and self-censorship, legislative framework, transparency, infrastructure and violence against journalists, meaning that considering Namibia’s impressive position as having Africa’s most free press (and #24 globally), there’s no doubt that you’re going to hear about exactly how bad the national soccer team is and why.

Journalists in Namibia don’t have to worry when reporting the fact that Namibia has blown it bigtime at all three African Cup of Nations its qualified to, fucking up and failing to win any of its matches. They don’t need to fear prosecution or violence when divulging that despite Namibia being one of Africa’s most developed countries economically and politically, its one of its worst when it comes to soccer. What’s more, lynching, poisoning or torture is of also of no concern to Namibia’s reporters when they broadcast the fact that Namibia’s greatest achievement is its victory in the COSAFA, or that its most historic result was a disastrous late 1-0 loss to Morocco in the 2019 African Cup of Nations. And journalists in Namibia are under no political or corporate pressure and do not face imprisonment when revealing that Namibia’s greatest ever result in the World Cup is a 2019 qualifying away defeat of Togo, a team which although did qualify for the World Cup in 2006, let’s be honest, were ass before that, and have been ass ever since.

One to watch: These LIES about the 1999 COSAFA Cup final

Just because Namibia has a high level of press freedom, that doesn’t mean that fake news doesn’t still pop up now and again. Take a look at Youtube user Faussy Lala and the BLATANT lie she spouts here. Sure, Namibia did win the COSAFA Cup in 2015 but Lala reprehensibly claims in her video that the Brave Warriors also won the trophy back in 1999, when in fact–and you can clearly see below–they lost 2-1 in the final to Angola.

This egregious falsification deserves nothing short of widespread scorn and total condemnation, and is the strongest case yet for the Namibian government tightening its grip on Namibian media pluralism, cracking down on independent journalism and introducing new draconian measures in order to eradicate such inflammatory claims such as these from dangerous conspiracy theorists such as Faussy Lala.

How many more Faussy Lalas is it going to take for Namibian press freedom to be finally brought into line with the rest of Africa? Sure, I’m not talking Eritrean-level of oppression, but hey, isn’t it about time Namibian journalists reporting on local or state politics, the state of economy or even sporting results started fearing for their lives, facing constant criminal prosecution, mysteriously disappearing or being savagely murdered?

The Highpoint: 2015 COSAFA Cup Winners

After being runners-up on two occasions previously, it was third time lucky for the Brave Warriors as they defeated Mozambique in the 2015 COSAFA Cup, the tournament for southern African nations. Unfortunately, there are no highlights available of the final, but if you watch the following video and then just close your eyes and imagine the final in your mind, you shouldn’t too far off what actually happened on that day in Moraleng, South Africa back in 2015.

Go ahead, try it! Watch the video beneath this, then close your eyes and think, ‘BOOM! Goal! Deon Hotto!…. KAPOW! Throw-in… SHA-BANG! Goal kick!… KABLOOEY! Penalty appeal!… and BOOM-SHAKALAKA! Another goal for Deon Hotto!

There you go. You’ve now seen the highlights of Namibia’s famous momentous victory in the 2015 COSAFA Cup Final.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

AFCON 2023 Qualifying | Group Stage
30 May 2022
NAMIBIA 🇳🇦 x 🇧🇮 BURUNDI

14 June 2022
KENYA 🇰🇪 x 🇳🇦 NAMIBIA

19 Sep 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇳🇦 NAMIBIA