***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 6 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at South Africa, which has taken part at three World Cups.

SOUTH AFRICA
1. Put your right arm out, palm down. 2. Put your left arm out, palm down. 3. Clench your right fist and bring it in front of your chest 4. Clench your left fist and bring it in front of your chest. 5. Turn (while slightly bouncing) around in a circle.

Nickname: Bafana Bafana
FIFA Ranking: 69 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from second round (CAF), finishing 2nd in group behind Ghana

Hey you! Forget the Macarena, YMCA and the Nutbush, I’m gonna teach you how to do the “#1 Goodest Moment in South Africa World Cup Soccer History Dance” Dance. Catchy name, right?? Yes!

Alright, listen up and follow me! Here’s how you do it …Ready??? Okay, LET’S GO!!!

Step 1: Loosen up and just get a feel for the music. Step 2: Release Nelson Mandela after 27 years. Step 3: End apartheid. Step 4: Get reinstated by FIFA after being banned for effectively 40 years for a legislated racist selection policy based on said apartheid. Step 5: Step in and host the 1996 Africa Cup of Nations after Kenya pull out. Step 6: At this point, you can do a bit of a shimmy if you feel like it. Step 7: Win the 1996 Africa Cup of Nations by defeating Tunisia in front of a crowd of 88,000, among them one Nelson Mandela. Step 8: Do a twirl to celebrate. Step 9: Qualify for your first ever World Cup in 1998. Step 10: Bid for the 2006 FIFA World Cup in hopes of being the first country to host a World Cup in Africa. Step 11: Devastatingly lose in your bid to win hosting rights for said World Cup to Germany. Step 12: Do a sad dance (maybe even bring both fists to your eyes in a ‘boohoo’ motion). Step 13: Qualify for your second World Cup in 2002 and only just miss the second round on goal difference. Step 14: Win the hosting rights for the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Step 15: Take the field in Johannesburg for the opening match of the first ever World Cup in Africa against Mexico. Step 16: Regain possession from the Mexicans in the 55th minute. Step 17: Play a tasty ball down the left to Siphiwe Tshabalala tearing up the wing to the edge of the box….

Step 18: Let Tshabalala unleash a searing missile past the Mexican keeper Oscar Perez and into the top corner of the net, putting Bafana Bafana up 1-0.

Okayyy… READY???!!!

Step 19: Put your right arm out, palm down.

Step 20: Put your left arm out, palm down.

Step 21: Clench your right fist and bring it in front of your chest.

Step 22: Clench your left fist and bring it in front of your chest.

Step 23: Turn (while slightly bouncing) around in a circle.

NICE! YOU NAILED IT!

One to watch: This classic 2010 episode of South African soap opera, Muvhango

Get involved with this, would ya! Me and my mate Matt sure did while in South Africa during the World Cup back in 2010, and every day too! And now you’re lucky enough to have a link to a memorable episode where, if I remember okay, there were a bunch of random football fans wearing the kits of competing teams who come to the village for I’m not sure why!

One of South Africa’s longest running soaps, Muvhango centred around a bunch of South Africans across several generations doing their best to respect ancient traditions and tribal family dynamics in a modern and fast-paced world.

In this World Cup-themed episode that aired during the 2010 World Cup, homeboy here introduces his sister to Katie (or ‘Nobuhle’ as he anoints her!). ‘Nobuhle’, who despite escaping ‘years of slavery and centuries living abroad’ remains an ‘African princess’, has come to South Africa to find her roots, and much mirth (and disgust and oh-God-I-wanna-puke hand motions on the part of his sister) ensues! Sit back and enjoy!

The Highpoint: Winner, 1996 Africa Cup of Nations

40 years in the international wilderness that culminated with the end of apartheid in the early 90s, despite being one of the founding members of CAF in 1956 (along with Ethiopia, Sudan and Egypt). Stepping in to host the tournament only after Kenya withdrew. Playing in not only their first ever Africa Cup of Nations but their first ever international tournament. Going all the way to the final and then winning it, with the trophy then being presented by the man who dedicated his life to ending institutionalised racial segregation in South Africa, who had served a 27 year imprisonment for the cause and whose release in 1990 was the most symbolic moment in apartheid’s end.

What more do you want? Actually, you know that Zambia? Maybe this is the best story in the history of African soccer! Well, South Africa, you’ll have to battle it out with Chipolopolo for the title… but you know what, you’ve definitely got a good shot!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

AFRICA CUP OF NATIONS 2023 IVORY COAST | QUALIFYING – GROUP STAGE
9 June 2022
MOROCCO 🇲🇦 x 🇿🇦 SOUTH AFRICA

19 Sep 2022
SOUTH AFRICA 🇿🇦 x 🇱🇷 LIBERIA

27 Sep 2022
LIBERIA 🇱🇷 x 🇿🇦 SOUTH AFRICA