***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 7 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Kenya, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

KENYA
The bad one in the corner always getting suspended

Nickname: The Harambee Stars
FIFA Ranking: 104 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to advance from group stage in second round of qualifying (CAF), third in Group E behind Mali and Uganda

It just never ends with Kenya. Lying in the north east corner of Africa’s east coast, Kenya’s constantly getting sent home for failing at international qualification tournaments or being suspended from FIFA for being naughty. Whether of their own accord for just being bad, or as a result of the federal government meddling in the affairs of its national football federation, it’s just always something with Kenya.

The first time Kenya got suspended from FIFA was in 2004, after FIFA sanctioned them for government interference in the workings of the national football federation. They were told to stay out of FIFA for 3 months, and only allowed back after the football federation agreed to draw up new statutes to counter its ownmismanagement.

It was thought that Kenya had learned its lesson, but just under two years later, Kenya got suspended again from FIFA. I mean, lord almighty. This time it was for failing to respect a 28-point agreement laid out by FIFA, which, among other things, resulted in the creation of a farcical league where teams were scheduled to play twice on the same day in two separate leagues. Bang. Another suspension. I mean, fuck me, Kenya. Seriously.

Once Kenya’s place in FIFA was eventually reinstated after they agreed to actually do what FIFA asked of them, they seemed to be back on the straight and narrow. They spent the next decade and a half on their best behaviour, and although the results they brought home have always been nothing short of disappointing, just a month ago, in March 2022, they got suspended again. My god, Kenya. I give up.

This time, Kenya has been suspended after its government disbanded the football federation and replaced it with government officials. The suspension is still in place and if a “normalisation committee” isn’t set up (allowing for a new round of elections) and if allegations of corruption and mismanagement are not settled by the end of May 2022, Kenya won’t be allowed to take part in qualifying for the 2023 African Cup of Nations.

You know, Kenya, I just don’t know about you. I mean, if it doesn’t have anything to do with running a marathon or running 5000 metres, it’s like they can’t be bothered. For Pete’s sake. Same Kenya, same old shit.

And the worst part of it is: Kenya, the papers you turn in are usually so outstanding! With Kenya being the international hub of “contract cheating”, whereby Westerners hire qualified graduates to complete their university assessments for them, and Americans typically paying up to $50 a page for qualified Kenyans to ghostwrite their academic assignments, you’d think they could straighten up and fly right, but no. I just don’t get you, Kenya. I just don’t get you.

For someone who considers itself the ‘cradle of humanity’, meaning its had over 3.3 million years to pull its socks up, there’s just no excuse, Kenya.

One to watch: Your husband (or the 78 women who also call him ‘my husband’)

Following the passing of a polygamy law in 2014, men in Kenya can now take more than one wife, without having to inform any of their existing spouses. So if you’re downtown in Nairobi or Mombasa City and happen to bump into a lot of women who are dying to introduce you to a man they call ‘My husband Joseph’ and that man not only is the exact same man as your husband Joseph, but then he also acts all aloof like you’ve never met before, you’re gonna wanna keep an eye on your husband Joseph from that point on.

The Highpoint: 34-time winners of the ultimate prize in soccer stadiums

Out of all the African nations who compete at the world’s ultimate quadrennial sporting competition, Kenya are the most successful, winning the ultimate prize given out at soccer stadiums 34 times in the last 54 years.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS 2023 QUALIFYING | GROUP STAGE*

30 May 2022
CAMEROON 🇨🇲 x 🇰🇪 KENYA

14 June 2022
KENYA 🇰🇪 x 🇳🇦 NAMIBIA

19 Sep 2022
KENYA 🇰🇪 x 🇧🇮 BURUNDI

*All fixtures pending lifting of FIFA suspension