***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 8 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at North Eastern Africa’s Eritrea.

ERITREA
Everything GOOD AND EVERYTHING GREAT in ERITREA. National Football Team GOOD. ZERO players ABSCONDING and SEEKING ASYLUM everytime we play abroad. Forced, indefinite military service NOT A THING. Ditto SYSTEMATIC TORTURE. AND 100% PRESS FREEDOM>CARRY ON! በቲ መንግስቲ ዘይኰነ መራኸቢ ብዙሓን ብዛዕባ እዚ ርእይቶ እንተ ሂቡካ ደምካ ኣብ ሬሳ እቶም ሓጥኣን ደቅኻ ይፈስስ

The number of leaves on the wreath on Eritrea’s flag (30) represents how many players and staff are expected to abscond and seek asylum every time the national team plays away

Nickname: The Red Sea Boys
FIFA Ranking: 204 (Mar 2022)
FIFA World Cup 2022 qualification result: Eliminated by Namibia (4-1 agg.) in first round of qualifying (CAF)

The Eritrean national team after winning the FIFA World Cup, year undetermined (IF YOU IS 1%of ERITREANS WITH INTERNET ACCESS, DO NOT LOOK THIS UP)

EVERYTHING good and everything is GREAT in Eritrea. Our country (and national team) is success. በቲ መንግስቲ ዘይኰነ መራኸቢ ብዙሓን ብዛዕባ እዚ ርእይቶ እንተ ሂቡካ ደምካ ኣብ ሬሳ እቶም ሓጥኣን ደቅኻ ይፈስስ. We have freedom of press, independent journalists not always murdered, and EVERYBODY is FREE to express their opinion and forced, indefinite military service of teenages in Sawa is definitely OK! It give jobs! It do EDUCATION! It NOT slavery. REPeat, NOT slavery. And blamE ETHIOPIA for this anyway. IN THE NUTSHELL-> ETHIOPIA’S FAULT! NOT OURS. Sidenotes: If you DO have an opinion contrary to that of the state’s, WE IN ERITREA WELCOME IT. All you need to do is submit it in writing to the department of communication, bid farewell to your loved ones forever and await our respnonse. EASILY!!!!

AND ON SUBJECT Of our national football team – GREAT! በቲ መንግስቲ ዘይኰነ መራኸቢ ብዙሓን ብዛዕባ እዚ ርእይቶ እንተ ሂቡካ ደምካ ኣብ ሬሳ እቶም ሓጥኣን ደቅኻ ይፈስስ. We are NOT last ranked team in Africa and although we recently withdrew from qualifying for the 2023 AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS, we did NOT do it because players were not able to put up the mandatory 100,000 nafka surety for departure from the country and also NOT because WE don’t TRUST OUR PLAYERS TO RETURN TO ERITREA. IT was NOT because just like in Kenya, Botswana, the Netherlands and Uganda previously, players would fly out for an international match, leave the hotel to go SHOPPING and then never return, refusing to go back Eritrea and absconding, soon to be found seeking asylum in the host country, and PERMITTED to live OUTSIDE OF REFUGEE CAMPS due to tolerant, WICKED, EVIL local governemmentrs. Our Players FLEE and SEEK EXILE to SPREAD GOOD INFORMATION ABOUT ERITREA abroad!! በቲ መንግስቲ ዘይኰነ መራኸቢ ብዙሓን ብዛዕባ እዚ ርእይቶ እንተ ሂቡካ ደምካ ኣብ ሬሳ እቶም ሓጥኣን ደቅኻ ይፈስስ.

We are one of the top 12 teams in the CECAFA sub-confederation AND WORLD Cups winners and AFCON winners so YOU CAN BET SUCCESS SHALL REIGN DOWN ON ERITREA Soon ENOUGH. Ignore the e have lowest ranking in UN World Press Freedom but who care, everything good in Eiritrea. Everything so good in Eirtirea. በቲ መንግስቲ ዘይኰነ መራኸቢ ብዙሓን ብዛዕባ እዚ ርእይቶ እንተ ሂቡካ ደምካ ኣብ ሬሳ እቶም ሓጥኣን ደቅኻ ይፈስስ. Everything so good that when national team plays in other countries, many decide to stay in new country to share joy of Eritrea and encourage tourism to Eritrea! TIGRINYA LANGUAGE!! We have it. WE HAVE MUCH THINGS. ERITREA – IT’s ON THE MAP! IF YOU ARE 1% of Eritreans who have internet access or are currently being watched by government informants in Internet CAFE, feel FREE to post alternative info. ITS IS SIMPLE: JUST say goodbye to family first, then post onilne on “the NET” whatever you want!!!

Eritrean players after winning the World Champions Cup Trophy of International World Champions

If not, however and you would like to continue to see your family with all limbs intact and not decapitated, CHECK UP Eritrea’s highest quality source for news (Below). IT’S OKAY!

Check out Eritrea Daily for all the only news from Eritrea!

One to watch: ANY of our players (if not within Eritrean borders)

If you live outside of Eritrean terrority, and happen to see any of our national team players or staff (such as those above or below) wandering around or “shopping” in local territory, please notify Eritrea government by telephone or fax and we will arrange for their immediate ~~torture and murder of their families and re-education and forced indefinite labour internment~~ safety and happiness and relief and success and prosperity.

The Highpoint: Runners-up, CECAFA Senior Challenge Cup 2019

ERITREA WON WORLD CUP and AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS (as mentioned previously) but also have been runners of CECAFA Cup, the tournament that includes teams from East (and a few from central) Africa.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

A typical expression used by Eritreans when seeing loved ones off abroad

Upcoming matches

None (withdrew from their tie against Botswana in Round 1 of African Cup of Nations Zone), nothing to do with the fact that 10 players absconded last time they played there. Nothing to do with it. ERITREA=HAPPY PROSPEROUS PLACE!!!) .