***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup is only about 10 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances) and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall you learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Guinea, which is yet to qualify for a World Cup.

GUINEA
Interim president Doumbouya’s souvenir hunting team

Nickname: The National Elephants
FIFA Ranking: 81 (Dec 2021)

Guinea’s new transitional president Mamady Doumbouya is an avid collector of souvenirs, but he doesn’t just throw his hard-earned cash away on any old junk. Given that he wasn’t able to go to the 2021 African Cup of Nations in Cameroon himself, he asked the Guinean national team one thing: ‘Plzzzzzz get me one of those ‘I ♡ CAMEROON’ T-shirts and the African Cup of Nations trophy…. or if not, pay back the money we’re investing in you‘. The team did neither the former nor the latter, and now the leader of the military junta who recently overthrew and deposed his predecessor and former boss Alpha Condé wants his money back.

Former French legionnaire Colonel Doumbouya, who recently toppled the former government and assumed control of the country by force just can’t get enough of picking up a pin, a medal, a ribbon or trophy from wherever he travels or is deployed to around the world. He’s always sure to pick himself up a momento on his journeys, but it’s not like he just spends money on cultural knick knacks and memorabilia willy nilly. No one knows this better now than the National Elephants, after being told to return a part of the funds that the transitional government contributed to the team’s ultimately unsuccessful souvenir hunting expedition in Cameroon. Since Guinea crashed out of AFCON 2021 in the round of 16 after a loss to Gambia, it meant that they didn’t come back with what the main thing interim president Doumbouya wanted more than anything in the world. But since Doumbouya is a reasonable putschist, he didn’t demand they return the full amount to the state coffers, just the quantity that was provided to cover the quarter-finals, semi and final. I mean, they failed to get him the thing he reaaalllly wannted so baddddd from Cameroon, so it’s only fair they give him back at last some of the cash they bummed off him.

Regretably, Doumbouya didn’t get the souvenir he wanted so crazy bad from Cameroon, but he’ll get over it. What he would really love more than anytthinnnggg in the whole wide world though, is a FIFA World Cup trophy for himself. Problem is though, first Guinea have to qualify, and even though they’ve never done it before, the National Elephants would do it for Doumbouya, wouldn’t they? Come on, Guinea, you do love your interim new leader don’t you?

One to watch: Whoever holds Col Doumbouya’s umbrella now

Keep a close eye on whoever’s the guy charged with keeping the rain off interim president Mamady Doumbouya. Formerly the right hand man of deposed president Alpha Condé (or left if needed to make sure he doesn’t get wet), Doumbouya spent years deployed at foreign locations on security and training missions, developing his military and security skills around the world. In a throwback, here he is pictured above with his former mentor and the man he recently overthrew with his junta of military strongmen in a coup, capturing 83-year old Condé and putting him under house arrest. Whoever’s the guy who’s holding Doumbouya’s umbrella now, you’re gonna wanna watch him, and especially if you’re Doumbouya himself.

The Highpoint: AFCON 2025, to be hosted by Guinea (which, in the end, probably won’t be)

Frankly, being awarded the hosting rights for any African Cup of Nations is more of a curse than an endorsement. Over the last 30 years, almost every nation who have been awarded the tournament have either been stripped of the privilege (e.g. Zimbabwe in 2000, Libya in 2017), had it suspended (Cameroon in 2019, suspended until 2021) or ultimately refused to host it (e.g. Morocco in 2015). That being said, Guinea may ultimately put on a memorable festive feast of football for the first time as hosts of AFCON in 2025, but truth is it’s probably going to take place elsewhere in Africa. But don’t worry, come summer 2025 there should be plenty of cafes or restaurants around Conakry, Kankan, Labé or Nzérékoré where you can catch the games on TV!

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

Depends on when they repay the amount taken for the last set (at AFCON 2021), but don’t worry, the Guinean national team are good for it, they swear