***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOS FROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***

The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 11 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), and the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.

But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Egypt, 3-time qualifiers for the World Cup.

EGYPT
SCORPIONS SCORPIONS SCORPIONS FUCKING EVERYWHERE

Nickname: The Pharaohs
FIFA Ranking: 45 (Nov 2021)
FIFA World Cup 2022 Qualification result: Failed to qualify

The Egyptian national team would love to get out there on the training pitch and work on their skills but why don’t you try fucking playing a game of soccer when there’s fucking scorpions everywhere? Fuck that. Egypt is home to over 30 species of scorpions including the world’s deadliest, the fat-tailed scorpion (whose biological name Androctonus, translates as ‘man-killer’). After heavy rains, these are flushed from their burrows, end up in populated urban areas and inevitably sting large numbers of locals. Without anti-venom, these stings quickly lead to organ failure and then death in about an hour. You can see why chasing around a ball in an outdoor area isn’t at the top of Egypt’s list when the joint’s full of little fucking man-killer cunts just waiting to fucking murder you.

Despite the constant fears of being slayed by scorpions, Egypt have become a force to be reckoned with on the international stage. With superstar Mohammad Salah bamboozling defenses, the Pharaohs returned to the World Cup Finals in Russia in 2018 (after a 28-year hiatus), but after a loss on Matchday 2 to Russia, they were the first team eliminated. The recriminations began immediately as angry fans blamed the Egyptian FA for the team’s disappointing performance, particularly for their decision to base the team in distant Grozny, Chechnya, a location one rarely associates when hearing the term ‘plague-like amounts of scorpions ‘. Unsurprisingly, the FA’s baffling no-scorpions decision to situate the squad in strange scorpion-free surroundings ultimately cost the players dearly, as training without the dangling scorpion sword of Damacles constantly over them confused and unsettled the team, ultimately leading to their early trip home.

One to watch: Whoever’s got the anti-venom

If you’re in Egypt, you’re gonna wanna stay close to this person. Scratch all your plans, because wherever this person is, is where you need to be. But even though you’re going to be staying within arm’s reach of them your whole time in Egypt, doesn’t mean you can’t get a heads up and find out what their plans are for the day. So go ahead and ask-maybe they’re planning to go for a walk at some point, to the mall, or even to get an ice cream. Now, wouldn’t that be nice!

The highpoint: Sure as hell not the 2018 World Cup (100% Salah’s fault, who cares that it’s a team game)

Africa’s first ever qualifiers for the World Cup (in 1934), Egypt came into the 2018 tournament with a head-wind, full of confidence with Mo Salah, possibly the world’s greatest player, running the show. Its fans swamped the team’s training facilities in Grozny and dreamed of a deep run for its Pharoahs. Then it lost 1-0 to Uruguay, then to Russia, and it was all over. Hometime. All Salah’s fault. Everything is Salah’s fault.

Learn the lingo & speak like a local!

Upcoming matches

FIFA ARAB CUP QATAR 2021
Dec 11
EGYPT 🇪🇬 x JORDAN

Dec 15
Quarter Final
EGYPT 🇪🇬 X TUNISIA

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS CAMEROON 2021
Jan 11
NIGERIA 🇳🇬 x 🇪🇬 EGYPT

Jan 15
GUINEA-BISSAU 🇬🇼 x EGYPT

Jan 19
EGYPT 🇪🇬 x 🇸🇩 SUDAN