***I DON’T HAVE FIFA’S PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT TO USE, TALK, THINK OR EVEN YELL AT RANDOSFROM MY BALCONY ABOUT ANY NAMES, COUNTRIES OR EVENTS MENTIONED IN MY FIFA WORLD CUP QATAR 2022 COVERAGE, SO FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS FROM HERE ON IN, THE EVENT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS QLAMQTAR 2022.***
The Qlamqtar 2022 World Cup’s only about 14 moons away (depending on your own set of lunar circumstances), amd the first ever World Cup held in the Arab world promises to be a real doozy. World Cup history is a tale resplendent with stories of triumph against the odds, childhood dreams coming true and unsung heroes becoming legends. As well as dumb idiot losers, wanker fuck ups and teams that are just total bullshit.
But how shall ye learn about these legends, losers and teams that are just total bullshit? Well look no further my wayward friend as I profile all 211 FIFA nations eligible for World Cup qualification. Today, I take a look at Taiwan, which is yet to qualify for the World Cup.
CHINESE TAIPEI
Proving Taiwan doesn’t exist
Nickname: Whatever you want, just as long as you don’t call it Taiwan
FIFA Ranking: 151 (Sep 2021)
The national soccer team of make-believe place Chinese Taipei is entirely made up, just like the nation of Taiwan, and therefore has never made a FIFA World Cup as ghost countries are not eligible for qualification (or for United Nations membership for that matter). Chinese Taipei has nothing to do with Taiwan and in fact this ‘Taiwan’ that people talk about-much like Chinese Taipei–isn’t even a thing. It doesn’t exist and never has and never will. Do stay tuned though, because it’s only a matter of time until a phantom land that folklore used to refer to as ‘Taiwan’ is spotted on a map labelled as ‘China’.
One to watch: Open-Chan
Religion plays a significant role in Taiwanese culture, and the majority of people worship 7-11, praying to the God Open-Chan (above right). Worshippers can be found day and night at convenient locations on every corner and followers pray for Open-Chan to watch over their families when they do their late night grocery shopping, steer them clear of mixing whites and colours when doing their laundry and watch over them as they pay their university tuition at the counter.
The highpoint: Defeating Indonesia for its first ever World Cup qualifying win (but then again who doesn’t beat Indonesia)
In qualifying for the 1982 World Cup in Spain, Chinese Taipei entered a World Cup campaign for only the second time. And remarkably, they knocked off South East Asian heavyweight Indonesia 2-0. But then again, everyone beats Indonesia.
Learn the lingo & speak like a local!
